Rules Are Made to Be Broken

So I haven't given you an anecdote on the boys lately. The latest little escapade nearly made me piss my pants, so I HAD to share!

Every 2 weeks, I take the boys for a hair cut. Since we've been going to this particular Barber Shop for a while, we typically engage in small talk with the Barbers, and they have also grown quite fond of the boys. As I've told you in past posts, the boys have their individual personalities. William (I mess up too much with the W and D shit!!!), the eldest is more cool, calm, and collected. Although he can be a little sneaky and quite manipulative at times, he is a great kid. He's very bright, extremely helpful, and very compassionate.

Damoe on the other hand is all over the place! He is commonly known as "That Little One," and usually makes quite an impression on the people that meet him. He's my little muscle man...ripped up, full guns, AND six pack at the ripe old age of...9! He's a character...loves to joke and laugh. He gets great grades, but is more into art and music and such...you know, stuff that allows him to use his energy!

Well I guess the last time we went to the Barber Shop, Damoe had too much idle time. So during commercials, he would read magazines, crack a few jokes, and ALAS! He noticed the rules on the Barber Shop Wall:

1. No Profanity

2. No Loitering

3. No Solicitation

4. Children must remain seated at all times.

5. No Smoking

A look of sheer amazement glazed over Damoe's face a he leaped from his chair. And the conversation began:

Damoe: Uhhh, why do ya'll have rules in the Barber Shop if all you are going to do is break them?

Barber #1: What do you mean? What rules do we break?

Damoe: Welll...it says, 'No Profanity...' Ya'll be cussin'!!!

Barber #1: Who cusses?

Damoe: Ahem, Barber #2 cusses, Barber #3, AND YOU!

Barber #1 (Laughing-while the owner was shaking his head in an "I told you so" manner): Man Damoe, cut that out!

Damoe: Uh, and 'No Loitering?' Man there is paper ALL OVER the ground outside! Cigarette butts and EVERYTHING!

****Long Silence before a loud thunderous roar of laughter as Barber #2 tried to explain to Damoe that he misread...of course he had yet another rebuttal for that****

Damoe (interrupting): And what is solicitation?

Barber #1: It's when people try to sell stuff.

Damoe: What?!?! Don't ya'll sell movies and CD's in here?!?!?!

I had to interject by this point...

Me: Damoe and it also says, 'Children must remain seated at all times,' now sit your behind down before you get us banned from the Barber Shop!

The customers were overwhelmed and coughing and choking because he cracked them the hell up!

As I went to buy my movies at the 4th booth, I apologized profusely.

I Was Tagged!!!

Thanks to my lovely new friend T. Michelle Theus (also referred to as "T" by me in comments), I have to post! Fuckety Fuck! Anyways (it took me 3 times to type that just now), at least this is an interesting one...and just guess who I am going to tag!

1. I am absotively, posilutely, undeniably, hopelessly, and inextricably afraid of............................FROGS! I will never forget the day I was in the back yard, and of course my son did not possess this little tidbit of knowledge and came running up to me announcing excitedly, "Mommy, look what I found!" My eyes bulged, my palms got all sweaty, my mouth felt like I had been chewing on chalk, and I immediately began to hyperventilate...It was a true brush with death! No, I don't want to frapping go on Maury for help to try to overcome my fear, and...ahem...my ass cheek is just waiting for "smootches" if you're one those who think the shit is funny.

2. I wasn't diagnosed with asthma until I turned 23.

3. I once thought I "heard" a worm "breathing" in my apple when I was a child.

4. I still live in denial but really can't successfully pronounce the word "handkerchief" if I say it normally, and struggle when I say it syllable by syllable! It sounds like haint-cha-ker or haint-ker-cher.

5. I missed 32 days of school my Senior year and STILL graduated 8th in my class (which started out with 339 students and ended up somewhere around 250).

6. Most of you who have known me for a while know this, but you new Blog Friends don't...I was born with 6 fingers on each hand. It's called Polydactily. My boys find it quite amusing when they look at their baby pictures! In fact, if I had 100 boys, they would all have it, because I believe it is a dominant trait carried on the X chromosome...go figure!

7. I'm not certain, but I'm about 91.73% sure that I could live without chocolate.

Pamela, MrT, Nina, Susan, Heather, Alan, and Churlita...guess what? YOU'RE IT!!!

Just Another Manic Monday

Pamela, learn to hold your horses, or as Nina would say, "Patience little grasshopper," I had a meeting this morning. I was going to post this Friday, but didn't quite get around to it.

Anywho...

I love this list and have found it quite amusing over the years, so if you have seen this before, hopefully, you normally practice at least 27% of this list on a regular basis. If you haven't seen it before, I implore you, do as many of these as you can (in no particular order) within the next 48 hours.

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can on Your Desk and Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

In comments...NoR, I know you've done number one before...and you probably forgot your bra that day too! How many of you want to bet money that MrT has done numbers 2, 5, 6, 9, and there is a very strong possibility of number 12 as well? I am very tempted at present to do number 4.

Say It Loud...

I remember the amazement that I could actually read by the time I turned 4.

I remember the astonishment when I was "booted" from Kindergarten and sent to the 1st grade because I was bored.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember a classmate asking why I was ashy. I remember the expressions on faces when my wet hair turned tangly.

I remember the slumber party when the makeup was too bright...I also couldn't successfully style my hair on that night.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the friend's cousin who wouldn't share my sled. God forbid my color rub off and assume his skin instead.

I remember being taunted and teased for being smart. Of course our socio-economic status set us apart.

My violin was a no-no and "white music" did I dare? When I bobbed my head to Bon Jovi all my friends did was stare.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the assimilation by association phase...my friends said I was White.

I remember being teased at a dance because I did the Running Man right.

I baffled the masses because I wore Hammer Pants...but my White friends thought I was cool...especially because I taught them to dance!

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the day I began to have hips, ass and thighs too...ooh and those full lips.

I remember the day they stopped teasing me...my Black friends in High School were as proud as could be.

I remember the day I graduated in gold...a 4.134 GPA...what a story to be told.

I remember the day I was the only Black person in the top of my class...I remember my REAL friends applauding me as I passed.

I remember how being Black earned me money for school...and how that combined with academics was a valuable tool.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I now laugh it off when Black people call me Bougie. When White people applaud me for being articulate, I let it be.

I have a perm in my hair and wear weave if I please...but, I appreciate the cocoa butter I have to put on my knees.

I love chicken and greens...how about some chitterlings too? But watermelon's not my favorite...imagine that...can you?

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I love sharing history with my children and all my stories too. I tell them they're beautiful because you know what? It's true.

I watch movies like "Rosewood," "Glory Road," and "The Color Purple," and realize how far we have come.

Each thread of our history...be not undone.

I look at MY new president and feel a hodge podge of things...and cannot explain the joy that it brings.

Martin Luther King Jr., oh what would he say? Did you see Jesse Jackson's reaction? Would he react that way?

What would Rosa Parks say? How about good old Abraham? How about Kennedy, Ulysses and the rest of the fam?

We've come leaps and bounds but have quite a way to go. But we have our courage, love, faith, and our integrity in tow.

And to this day, you know what? I'm proud that I'm BLACK...and know that it matters...as a matter of fact.

Just A Few Little Known Facts

In the spirit of the fact that I'm sure you don't give a shit where I've been, I decided not to dump any crap on you in this post...Have fun reading!

Little Known Facts

About People
1. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.
2. 72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.
3. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
4. 90% of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.

About Laws/Government
1. By law, citizens of Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
2. It's illegal to put coins in your ears in Hawaii.
3. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
4. The U.S. Government spent about $2 million on potato research in 2003.
5. In Cleveland, Ohio, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
6. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket.

About Animals & Insects
1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
2. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
3. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
4. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
6. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
7. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
8. Reindeer like to eat bananas.
9. You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
10. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

About Sex
1. Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
2. The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
3. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.
4. Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
5. Human and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

About Stuff
1. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
2. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
3. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
4. Pearls melt in vinegar.
5. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atom bomb.
6. There is more lemon juice in Lemon Pledge furniture polish than in Country Time Lemonade.
7. The can opener was invented 48 years after the can.

In Comments: Are you a medicine cabinet culprit? Who's the idiot that set precedence on that law in Hawaii? Who was the first person to feed a banana to a reindeer? I'd like to know how anyone knows that about dolphins and humans...did they ask all other species and get an answer? Did they circulate a survey? Which geek knows what the hell that long word is and what it means...I'm sure one of you do?

Bonus question...What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

Stupid People

I don't usually post things with a severe political hue, or engage in too many conversations about politics as of late, because it makes my ass hurt. I will however make this tiny little, small little, teeny-weeny little comment...okay maybe just 2 eentsy weentsy...or perhaps 3 itty bitty things observed after watching the debates tonight...

One...Katie Couric and some other dude not important enough for me to know or care about his name were interviewing a group of "undecided" folks right after the debate to see if anyone was "swayed" more toward one side or the other after hearing the arguments. Now, I listened to what everyone had to say, but it occurred to me that...we really have a lot of people out here that use...hmmm...how do I say this... "creative" criteria for deciding who they will vote for. I also have my reservations about the Black man who was on the front row, but for the sake of argument, I will keep that to myself...that is of course unless you want to e-mail me and engage in the conversation otherwise. Anyways...

(Two) It seems that over and over people kept saying..."Obama keeps talking about if we vote for McCain that we will endure 4 more years of the same policies that have plagued us for the last 8 years, but Democrats have been in Congress for the past 2 years, and no change has occurred." Now I have never claimed and professed to be an expert on politics, and have probably been more in tune this year than I ever have in my 12 years of voting. But something about that statement bothers me...Don't these IDIOTS know better than to make a statement like that? I mean seriously...do people in America think that it will take 2 years or less to fix the fucking MESS that Dubya (I got that from someone who comments on Nance's blog and I rather like it) made of this country?!?!? What frapping rock have they been living under? I don't care what party you're affiliated with, that is ignorance at its best and is totally absurd.

(Three) It pisses me off beyond pisstivity to see Republicans mis-speak time and time again, engage in malicious attacks, and not repudiate the blasphemist comments at their gatherings without consequence. But when Obama makes one "wrong" move, or gives the slightest notion that he will in any way attack Palin or any of the other jerks on that ticket, he is painted as if he is Lucifer in the flesh.

McCain kept asking for repudiation...why didn't he repudiate Palin's claim that Obama "pows (or is it 'pals--' I guess I can't decipher her thick foreign...oops, I mean Alaskan accent) around with terrorists?" Why does McCain think that it's okay to encourage Americans to condemn Obama for some bullshit that happened when he was 8 years old? Since when did affiliation with Ayers become a "qualification" to lose an election? And what's more sad is there are some stupid ass brainwashed Americans out there who buy that CRAP!

It is amazing and utterly astonishing...embarrassing even to see what this country has come to. Is there anyone out there who is proud to say that they're an American at this very moment? I think folks in other countries sit back and laugh hysterically about how disconnected this country is and how much of a joke this so called "democracy" is.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a fair person and can give credit where credit is due...yes, I would say that McCain did a lot better tonight that he has done...I do fear however that won't be enough for him in the final stretch of his race. But above all...if he can pull this off and pull it off marginally, how well will he sleep at night knowing that the crux of his fuckton of votes will NOT be cast because he had terrific economic policy, or a fantastic view on energy, or an unprecedented view on how the education system should work, but because there has, does, and always will be....STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE in existence.

Say what you may...

Hodge Podge X

I thought for about 3 seconds about doing away with my blog...then the feeling left me. What on earth would I do without the sound minds and support of my blog friends? You see the problem is that I hit this slump a couple of months ago, and I am having a hard time trying to pull myself out of it. Needless to say, I didn't want to bore you guys with the specifics. And the worst part is...I think I am the only one who can pull myself out of this one...with the help of...well... we'll get to that in a minute.

W brought home his report card...Straight A's (4.0) and he's in Advanced Program! That is the most wonderful thing a mother can ask for and I only hope that he can continue on this path. We are still working through issues with D...his interim showed fantastic grades (98% in 2 of his classes! and nothing less than an 80% on the entire report), but I'm afraid he "needs improvement" in social behavior and work habits.

Both the boys had parties to attend this weekend, and it was at this moment in particular I realized that I really have no life! I mean why does my 11 and (now) 9 year-old have more spice in their lives than I do mine? What the heck (I am trying very hard to refrain from using the f-word so much...we shall see how long this lasts)?

I have a goal this week...to go one full day without engaging in political conversations. So for those of you who talk about these things in your blogs, do not feel bad if I don't comment on that day which is yet to be determined. Hmmm...I guess I haven't commented on blogs much lately anyways, and wait...why in the hell isn't NoR and MrT wondering where I am? I can't say that I appreciate this! You wait until I get to their spots!

OK...here we go. I usually do not go into religion and spirituality on my blog, because, well it's sometimes as controversial as other topics that people often times avoid when they're really aiming at leisurely time. Those of you who have been faithful readers and/are also friends know by now that I am a Christian. I was raised in a Baptist church...and the church that I go to now (when I go) is Baptist, so for all intensive purposes, I guess you can mesh those 2 together.

Anyways...a couple of weeks ago, I had a very DEEP conversation with a close friend of mine, and I shared some things with her about my life's current condition which I don't think I would EVER share with anyone else, and through my hysterics and endless tears, she said something to me that didn't make so much sense until today. She told me I was "broken..." and she proceeded to tell me that meant that I had pretty much hit a "bottom," and before our call was abruptly disconnected, all that came to my mind was..."Seek ye first the kingdom of God..."

Since that day all the way up until this past Friday, I received several signs telling me what I needed to do. And no matter how sublime, it was a swift kick in my shin telling me that I knew what I needed to do, so why was I so hesitant? Why was I putting it off? As we all do, I got in my selfish ways and said, "Why me? Why now?" There are many folks out there who are living lives that are less than holy, and not that I'm judging, but why am I being nudged in the shoulder so much lately? The answer came to me on Friday.

I was grabbing lunch with a co-worker at a soul food spot...you know really ready to get down on some catfish, collard greens, macaroni and cheese and corn bread when a gentleman standing there handed me a piece of paper-a personal testimonial of a man. It does not even matter the words on the paper, but all I could do is look at my co-worker and utter the words... "God moves in mysterious ways."

It was at that moment that everything had come 340 degrees for me, and I knew the other 20 would happen in church this morning...and it did. When the speaker said, "Sometimes we must be completely broken before we seek Him and change the path in which we walk in life..." I wept. And I wept....and I WEPT.

Again, I'm not trying to be "preachy" today, this is merely an attempt to share what I've been experiencing. It's apparent and obvious that it is time for some changes in my life and that I must prepare myself for a transformation. And it is with His help that I will get out of this slump.

I have to do some housekeeping...how on earth can I have room for any blessings which have been prepared and are ready for me if I don't first let go...and let GOD?

I may not get many comments on this, but you know, my heart is heavy. It is time for me to stop ignoring that which has been clear to me for a while now...I'm not sure where I go from here, but I know there are things that I need to do.

Rome wasn't built in a day, so all I ask as I go through what I'm going through is that you not judge me...stay tuned.

Those of you who cared enough to read to this point, comment away...please also include any exciting happenings from your weekend!

To Tell The Truth...

Well Friends...I am not feeling any better these days, but decided that I can get those things off my chest which I am willing to share...here's one of them.

Shortly after I moved to Kentucky, I decided to drive back home for a visit. One of my friends decided to come along for the ride since I didn't have much tenure under my belt when it came to the 5-6 hour drives. We were not even a mere 20 miles outside my city when I saw the lights and heard sirens...the Fucker emerged from the shrubbery on the left side of the road. BASTARDS!

So of course, he asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I was pissed! He was about to cite me for speeding right...wrong! That wasn't all he cited me for.

You see...I still had my Ohio plates, license, and insurance card. And when he leaned his punk as over and stuck his head in the window to ask me, "Do you live in Kentucky or Ohio?" a lump formed in my throat...I began to sweat, and my palms were drenched. You see my friends, I have a problem with lying and all things inherent in it. I have a severe disdain for people who lie to me, and I find it difficult to tell a lie myself. I mean I'm not talking about the little "gray area" type things we tell our kids or anything like that, I'm talking about down-right, straight-up, blatant LIES.

So I looked at him and said, "Kentucky." Do you know that he told me that I had 30 days to get my shit switched over and on top of that still gave me the damned ticket and ordered me to go to traffic court...the NERVE!

I did as instructed, and it has been about a year and a half since...but today, I'm pissed again! As the economy goes down the proverbial drain, and my pockets are getting lighter and lighter, it pains me to see all these other fuckers driving around with plates from Ohio, Missouri, Virginia, Indiana etc. especially when I KNOW they live and work here! I just want to pick up the phone and call to snitch all of their asses out!!!

Am I wrong? Fuck, I had to pay $250 for my tags this year (which would normally cost $50 in Ohio) you know which includes an astronomical public school tax and a "convenient" property tax. We won't even discuss my car insurance which has been marked up by roughly 300%!!!!!!! I am mad as hell...because of my honesty, I may soon be living out of that car...those other fuckers should have to pay too! Including my friend who rode along with me back then...hell, not only did she just buy a house in KY, she's lived here longer than me and is still sporting her Ohio shit!

Ugh!!!

Two Posts In One Day!!!

Can you believe it?! And you guys had better read them both...that's an order! :)

I heard this on the radio the other day...I want to know your thoughts...

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....

* If you grow up in Hawaii , raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."

* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age-appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America 's.

* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude," has at least one DUI conviction and no college education, didn't register to vote until age 25, and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

COMMENT AWAY!

Anna Mae Shoulda Ate That Damned Cake!

Well, I know you're tired of me apologizing for not blogging and/commenting on your blogs on a regular basis, but aside from the fact that my (home) computer is STILL not working, repercussions from Hurricane Ike still plague the city that I live in.

As of yesterday, 70% of our city was still without power (some are estimated to be down for up to 2 weeks) and children are out of school for the entire week! I was among the blessed few who only had to endure the day without cable on Sunday, so my power at home actually works---of course we have been lending a helping hand to those who were less fortunate in this situation. People in the community have had to throw out oodles and oodles of GOOD food because they can't refrigerate or freeze it, grocery stores and restaurants are closed (and out of ice and dry ice) in many places throughout the city, and 4 or 5 hospitals are operating on generators! I know our problems are just a drop in the bucket compared to folks in Texas and other parts of the south, but this is depressing!

So instead of spreading my crappy attitude all over Blogland, I decided to lay low.

That Ike is one BAD s.o.b. isn't he?

Hodge Podge IX

Today is one of those days I'm feeling kind of BLAH with a whole fuckton (of COURSE I had to use it and back off Crotch-dudes the ladies have that patented) of emotions inside. I guess I might as well start at the top.

I'm thinking I might blog about this more in depth at a later date when I can handle it better, but a "friend" that I knew in high school apparently rolled over on her 2 month old and smothered him. I think back to when my boys were babies, and BOTH of them slept with me the entire first year of their lives---I was a lazy breast-feeder, don't judge me. No matter how hard I slept, I don't imagine I could have rolled over on them...as a mother, it is just NOT conceivable! They're going to do an autopsy to see if they can rule out SIDS, but they are also trying to determine if they will bring up criminal charges against her. FYI---She tried to commit suicide days later.

Nance had a post up the other day about crying. That seems to be the sport of choice in my life lately, and I'm surprised I'm not dehydrated as much of it as I've been doing. I don't know why I feel so overwhelmed by feelings of failure lately, but I do.

My stupid ass computer crashed last night...it won't power on. It's still under warranty, but I have to lug the fucker in! So I need to apologize in advance to folks like Churlita whose blog I can only view at home...bear with me while I get the beast attended to (I know I ended a sentence with a preposition, but so what? Fuck off!).

Until the other day, I had not seen 1 single McCain bumper sticker. I have seen a crap-load of Obama stickers, but now the McCain tally is 2. I thought that to be amazing considering the fact that I live in the 'Burbs and thought for sure there would be more supporters for the McCain ticket...or should I say the Palin ticket? I'm going to leave that one alone...

I don't know how many of you (other than Alan and Torrance) noticed that someone named "Anonymous" commented their "2 cents" at the end of my IRS post. If you have the chance to go and take a look at it, please do...that Bitch-made, Coward induced a terrible ass ache that day and I wasn't on it!

I learned the other day that I could potentially work here another 5+ years without a single raise other than cost of living (the last COL raise was 2%). Guess who won't still be working here in 2013?

I'm getting antsy. I know I mentioned the possibility of a relocation in passing here recently, but the more I think about it, the more appealing the idea becomes. I'm also thinking that this time, I won't leave a forwarding address---is that wrong?

I'm starting to see a steady increase in the number of people picking their noses while driving.

Someone forgot to tell a couple of close acquaintances back home that crack kills.

I'm thinking I might go out Saturday night and get shit-faced...beer does a body good! ESPECIALLY Bud Light Lime...I just love that shit!

Oh yeah, I am back to my vow of celibacy...I have 1 solid month under my belt thus far.

Anyways...comment away!

To Spank or Not To Spank...That Is The Question

Okay, I am faced with a terrible dilemma. I mentioned to you a couple of posts ago that D has already gotten in trouble several times in school so far this year. What agitates me the most about this is that although he had a sprinkle or two of behavioral problems last year, he kept his grades up...this year, he's decided he would fuck up in both areas (pardon my French).

So Friday, as I'm rushing home from work, my phone is ringing...this is becoming a ritual. I guess W and D are so popular, their friends must compete for their weekend company. I didn't mind this day in particular, because I wanted to go and have all you can eat crab legs with my friend. So hastily I packed their bags to get them on their way.

Saturday, a friend of mine invited me and my boys to come to a company picnic...lots of food to be eaten and lots of fun to be had. So we went and had a great time! People also came to the house afterwards, so the kids enjoyed video games and also were outside until the absolute last possible moment of the evening.

Sunday, D had a Boy Scouts outing at an indoor attraction venue in the neighborhood...we're talking Euro Bungee, obstacle course, inflatables, bumper cars, Wii Lounge, bowling, and arcade...I mean this place is the SHIT! He and W had a frickin' BLAST!

So, Sunday evening, as we're winding down, I tell the boys to prepare for the school week, you know, minor details, like homework, showers, getting their clothes ready, and letting me sign their daily planners...what in the HELL did I do that for?

I opened D's planner, and to my surprise, there is a LONG ass note in there from his teacher basically letting me know that he was missing an assignment and had acted a FUCKING DONKEY in class on Friday! Oh, Hell. No.

So I asked him WTF...? Do you guys want to know what he said to me? He said, "Well, I thought she called you Friday?" Ahem...let me run that by you again...he said, "Well, I thought she called you Friday?" As reflex has it, I slapped what they call the SHIT out of him, but realized as I felt steam shooting from my ears and veins bursting in my eyes that if I whipped him at that moment, I might have hurt him, so I made him remove himself from my presence and I sat back to cool down...and to ponder...

Now I open the floor to you...what do you suggest I do? If that had been ME when I was younger, I don't give a damn if it was a Hot wheel track, a self-picked switch off the tree, a piece of furniture, a shoe, or any other random object in her reach, my Momma was gone FUCK ME UP! She would (as they say) tear my ass out of the socket! But of course now days, it's taboo to do such and governments think they have a say-so in YOUR household where YOU pay the bills and where YOU have endured teens of hours of labor and gave birth to YOUR children...I digress.

I am going to contemplate this a bit longer, but in the meantime all he's allowed to do is pretty much eat, sleep, shit and breathe...I suggest you guys help him out!

In the Name of Shit

Since I happen to be among many who love the word "fuck," I realized I shouldn't be selfish and have decided to pay homage to the word "shit" today. You may have seen this before but...well you can pretty much fill in the blank after you've read this post!

***Disclaimer...words and ellipses may have been added/omitted, bolded, capitalized and otherwise punctualized to add to/lessen the effect of various parts of this message...you know, just in case you give a shit.***

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...Well, it's shit...that's right, SHIT!

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
...forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is...bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or...duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in...well...shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and...there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language!

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could comment, if you give a shit or if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!

The Life and Times of W & D Part II (I Think)

Well it's been a rough patch in this epoch of my life, and I just can't seem to pull it together. I have however decided to muster just enough strength to post something else and perhaps read up on a few of your blogs...don't get mad if I don't get to them all, I beg your forgiveness in advance.

As you all know, the boys are back to school...they are in 6th grade (middle school) and 4th grade this year. My 4th grader is having a hard time grasping the concept of the fact that summer break is over and it's time to get down to business! He has already gotten in trouble 3 times and hasn't even completed a full 3 weeks. He also has this teacher who I was about to ROLL DOWN on when W had her 2 years ago and she's already starting SHIT! I just hope I don't have to go up there and go 360 degrees of ig-nit on their asses!

W's interest in girls is increasing at a very rapid pace. He's doing okay with his school work which I watch with a very close eye and pick through with a fine-tooth comb...but his hormones are amok! I found a little letter to "Joy" a short while back that went a little something like this:

"Joy, I love you. I realize there may be another boy, but you are fine and I want you to be my Boo. Will you go out with me? Circle one Yes No"

Like, what...the...FUCK?!

In other news...I was exiting the expressway on my way home a short while back, and there was a homeless man standing there with the infamous "Will work for food sign" but he also had it translated in Spanish??? I was quite amused.

In comments: What have I been missing while these fucking fuckers at work are getting on my last damned nerve, I'm depressed, and debating another relocation?!

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...

I scurried about placing each candle in the perfect place. The scent of cinnamon and warm vanilla cake filled the air. I dusted the bed with brown sugar & fig linen spray...just enough...and lit a candle in the bedroom of a synonymous scent. I had just bathed in a sudsy milk and honey bath, and lathered my body with Oil of O'lay and lavender baby oil gel. I purposely wore my black lace boy shorts/thong and my black bra that makes the girls stand at attention and plump just perfectly at my bust line--the perfect fuller figured physique under my denim crop pants and slightly revealing long baby tee. I put on my favorite gloss...Creme Brulee, and tied my hair up in loose curls...I was ready.

The doorbell rang.

As I opened it and he stood there in all of his 6'1" glory, blood began to rush and revive parts of my body that had now been asleep for about 6 months. He smelled of an exotic unnamed African oil and a mild bath soap. His sun-kissed complexion enticed me enough to let out a silent moan and his eyes looked like dancing stars...he stepped in, embraced me and gave me a gentle kiss on the neck.

We eased toward the bedroom as we engaged in small chatter and flirtatious grins. I rubbed up against him enough to feel his girth and lay my head on his chest as we danced to the tune that seemed to be the same in both our minds. He stroked my arms, my back, and then my breasts as he donned my body with kiss after kiss. My knees began to get weak, so I sat down on the bed slowly and lied back so that he could have his way with me.

He softly licked some spots and gently kissed others as I eased his shirt off and began massaging his warm skin in a circular motion. He moaned a little and closed his eyes as I unzipped his pants and began to stroke his manhood. He licked the circumference of my belly button and pecked a half dozed kisses until he reached my womanhood. It was magical...a sprinkle of kisses here, a lick or two there, and a soft nibble everywhere.

I was at the peak of what was about to be euphoria when I softly but aggressively pushed him to his back and let my plump sweet lips work their magic. First his full, pink lips to taste the sweetness of his minty breath, then around his perfectly shaven goatee...on his neck...his chest...his stomach...and of course a teasing little sample to his shaft...his body trembled.

Time to mount.

I moved my hips in from side to side...back and forth...up and down. He tilted his head back and then softly gripped my breasts. I twirked it and popped it as if the art was taught in a class and I graduated Suma Cum Laude. He couldn't control himself, nor could I...but it was not time...not yet...so I slowed my rhythm and lay on his chest...we rolled in sync.

Long stroke, deep stroke...hitting spots that I didn't know that I possessed in my temple. Almost too much for me to handle, but by now my body was conforming to all that he had to offer. I felt pain...good pain...pleasurable pain...I moaned...he exhaled. I dug my nails in his back...he lay on my chest and kissed my neck. I wrapped my long, thick, brown sugar legs around his body...we were in motion.

My adrenaline rushed...his stride increased. That icy-hot feeling began to rush through my veins. My heart ran a marathon. My eyes rolled to the back of my head. I pursed my bottom lip and gripped the corner with my teeth. My thighs trembled. My toes curled. My back arched. The sweet melody that I belted filled the air. The nectar of my fruit was sufficient to quench the thirst of a thousand villages. As my walls vibrated...it cut loose and irrigated every trench and every valley. He felt...he came...he saw...Pure delight.

My fellow Bloggers, I would like to introduce you to...Wal-Mart Guy.

Almost But Not Quite...

Hello to all of my fellow Bloggers. I have crawled from under my rock long enough to let you know that I am still living and breathing (although lately, not by choice). Among the chaos in my life, the kids getting ready to go to school next week, a plethora of family issues, and emotional turmoil, I decided that I have to muster up the energy to AT LEAST say hello to you all. Hopefully soon, I will also have the energy enough to read and comment on your latest posts (only 1, maybe 2 for those of you are OCD about posting eleventy billion times per day...I love you NoR!:-) and even post something worth reading at P&P.

Back off to my rock...for now...

IRS: Ignorant & Retarded Sons-of-Bitches!

Okay, that title may be a bit harsh, but I am pissed, pissed, PISSED off, and this is my blog so I can say whatever the fuckety-fuck I please!

W's father owes me over $30,000 in back child support. I was willing to waive all arrearages when he got out of jail, but he wanted to be a dick head and abandon his son because he was upset with me, so I said to hell with it, that bastard can pay! I am not an unreasonable person by any stretch of the imagination, and I TOLD him that I wasn't going to sweat him about the support...I just wanted him to be there for his son. He had already missed 6 out of 7 years of his life (at his time of release), so I just wanted him to get to know him, spend some time with him, and get their father-son relationship back on track.

What does he do? The moment he found out that I made more in 1 paycheck than he made all month, he was pissed---uh reality check, while you were incarcerated for 6 years, I was in college! He was upset about dumb shit like my big screen TV, my newer car, and STILL holding a grudge about me having a child by another man---I don't do pity parties, and I had to let him know that real quick. I told him, "When you get put in jail behind stupid shit, the world doesn't fucking stand still and wait for your ass to get out...that's your problem!" So I guess in an attempt to throw a tantrum his punk ass stopped dealing with my son. He's been out for about 4 years now and I can count on one hand the amount of times he's actually seen him or held a conversation with him---mind you, W has his own cell phone.

So, why am I telling you all this? I have faithfully gotten support from him for the last 3 years, because I prosecuted him to the fullest extent...I can be a bitch when I need to, and will continue to be, because my son's heart is broken. Each year, I also get his entire income tax check to cover some of the arrearages. Well this year, Assholio decides he won't file taxes, because that would mean that I would get the tax check plus his stimulus check. So I called the IRS and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello, who do I speak to if I want to report someone for not filing taxes this year? I know he's avoiding child support.

Dumb Ass: (Of course she couldn't fathom dealing with any questions not related to the stimulus checks) Uh, what do you mean?

Me: Well, he's trying to keep me from getting his taxes this year because he owes back support, so I know he didn't file.

Dumb Ass: Oh (long pause).........................Well, there's nothing we can do about that.

Me: Excuse me?

Dumb Ass: We don't bother people about that (I bet Wesley Snipes would tell a different story, don't you?). If they get in trouble for something else, we might find out at that time, but other than that, we don't like...go after people.

Me: (Laughing) Yeah, okay---I'll keep that in mind next year when it's time to pay my high ass State taxes (slamming the phone down in her ear)!!!

Now, I ask you out there in Blogland...what's wrong with this picture? Do you mean to tell me that there is NOTHING they can do to him? You see I'll tell you what's wrong...I'm not on Public Assistance. I don't owe the State or the Feds anything, because if I did, they'd be all over that shit, so that they could get their cut of that check! I am growing more and more disgusted with this nation by the day!!!

Whew! Sorry for the rant, but I had to get that shit off my chest! Your thoughts?

Hodge Podge VIII

Well I am finally back from all my travels and all nestled and snug at my desk. For some reason, I just cannot get in mode to get any work done! Somewhere between the ever so awesome trip to New Orleans, and my visit back home to Ohio, my brain got lost...I hope it finds me again...soon!

New Orleans was the shiznit! I had never been there before this trip, and I honestly didn't think I would have much fun since it was all about work. I couldn't have been more wrong! We're talking about jambalaya and gumbo galore, Bourbon Street, the French Quarter, Jazz, Blues, lots of drinking, and nudity. I tell you what, there was NEVER a dull moment! And get this...my room was not ready, so I was conveniently upgraded to the jacuzzi room with a kitchen and super tall king sized bed...ahhh, it was fantabulous!

Ohio was...well...okay. I had not seen my family in months, so it was nice to see them. And remember the eleventy baby showers I had to attend back in February (among them was Nina's)? I got to see all the little bambinos who are all about 3 months old now and ever so freaking adorable. I also learned that W and D think they have girlfriends who are much older than them, but that's an entirely different post.

On the radio today, they were having a conversation about Immigration, and all of a sudden a brain cell was revived! How do I feel about the issue? And actually, I think I'm okay with folks coming to what others believe is the land of opportunity, the only problem I have is with illegal Aliens. It really does bother me that many take jobs getting paid cash, thus they do not pay the high ass taxes I pay. Many of them are also on "the system" and receive free medical benefits which is funded by those high ass taxes I pay. My feelings are hey, join us if you'd like, but please follow the proper procedures for citizenship.

Still not feeling the post about Wal-Mart guy, but have received a very interesting phone call from the Engineer of All Things That Must Be Mopped and Swept (mentioned in an earlier post), so stay tuned...

W and D are away at camp this week, so I will be basking in the glory of rest and relaxation! What did I miss while I was gone?

I Was Tagged Way Back When By NoR...

So this is the task:

1. Pick up the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123

3. Find the 5th sentence

4. Post the next three sentences

5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

"It's paint remover," Jake said. "That's paint, it's getting removed, what you expect?" I asked, "Can you still make it out?"

I haven't read it yet, but this is Jerome Dickey's "Cheaters" which I plan on reading along with Alice Walker's "The Color Purple" during my travels over the next few days. Hey, I can dream, shut up MrT!!!

Tagging: Anybody who feels like doing this since I procrastinated before posting it.

Welp...off to New Orleans tomorrow!!! Behave while I'm gone please?!

A Large Order of Crack Cream With a Side of Pumice, Please?!

I knew it! I just knew it! That I could not cruise merrily through the entire summer without witnessing a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Just out of nowhere, you're walking down the street, or driving along observing those who walk to and fro, or standing in line at the checkout counter and lo and behold...crispety, crunchety, crusty ass dilapidated...FEET!

What is so difficult about getting a pedi? I mean if you're like me and a few select others and can't afford them on a regular basis, save a few dollars and get the shit to do them yourself at home!!! Don't ever walk around looking so fresh and so clean...and then jacked up about the feet! What is wrong with people?

I mean I try to do a pedi at least once per week...I'm a big girl, so I have to keep the body greased up...you know what I'm saying?! When I get out of the shower, I immediately grab the baby oil gel and lather my dogs up! It just amazes me that some people don't give their bodies the same tender loving care.

Last summer my friend and her family stopped through on the way to Georgia. I generally request that my guests take their shoes off because I have "cream" colored carpet. Do you know I had to tell her to ask her aunt to put her shoes back ON for fear she'd leave drippings of crusty dead skin and dirty skid marks on the floor?!?!?! Feet like that...amost inconceivable!

So I implore you blog land...if you know someone who is guilty of this crime, please do your part and make a friendly suggestion. Hell add some Gold Bond to their Christmas stockings this year...do something! I believe it is our responsibility as American citizens to let these culprits know that we are tired of not being able to tell where their heels end and the shoe begins!!!

MORE Breaking News!

I know many of you have to inability to keep your minds out of the gutter for more than 69% of your day. I also know that given some of the things I've blogged about and/commented in your blogs about, you don't think that I am "innocent" by any stretch of the imagination. But, if you should happen to hear this story on the news today, contrary to popular belief and in spite of your chit-chatter amongst friends, this WAS NOT me!!!

Kentucky woman charged with trading sex for Gas Card!

I'm appalled.

My cousin already called me...you know, just to check and make sure---the nerve!

In Other News...

I don't know which is more unbelievable...the story I am about to tell, or the fact that I have strangely developed a case of Blogger-(Tour)ettes and have posted for 3 days straight! I have known about this for quite some time now, but the moment at which I learned about it precedes my Blog tenure. It just so happens I was reminded of it the other day...

(We're in the car)

W: Mommy, what did you say B (my 19 year-old and obviously from this conversation-pregnant sister) was naming the baby?

*I have the tendency to ignore my children about trivial matters while on the way home from work as I work tirelessly to make my brain shut up, my nerves calm down, and my focus shift.

(Silence)

D: (In a voice with a hue of-I know everything so you had better not question a damned thing I say!) Tsk, Delquaysia...she's naming her Delquaysia!

In the famous words of Nina and/the person she got it from, "silence my little grasshoppers, patience..." Rest assured that no, B is not naming the baby Delquaysia, and I have to friggin idea how in the hell D came up with that, but it reminded me of this...

On my previous job, I worked "in the hood." So folks from all walks of life would come to our office be it to get help finding a job, get help with/as a troubled youth, for housing assistance, and to occasionally take a "Hoe-bath" in our facilities. We all thought we had seen it ALL until 2 people signed up for a short-term program we were operating. One of the women's names was Shithead...yes, that's how it's spelled, but it is pronounced Sha-THed. And the other...you ready for this?

Marijuana Cocaine Clark...which happens to sound just the way it's spelled...she asked us to call her M.C.

Not one of us objected.

This Just In...

You know, sometimes you would swear that I ride the short yellow bus while I conduct regularly scheduled activities on a daily basis, but after this morning...I truly have my OWN doubts about my cognitive ability!

This morning I was coming in to work. The time was roughly 8:15 a.m. and yes, I know I am supposed to be here at 8:00 a.m., but I have made a particular practice of being "fashionably late." Anyways...I was sitting at a light next to the gas station down the street, and the sign had, "$(blank white spot).99" on it. I didn't think anything of it---perhaps they were putting a "3" in said blank white spot??? Who knows, but needless to say, I kept driving.

As I turned the corner, I noticed police directing traffic and a line which consisted of 5% cars, 45% crossovers/SUV's, and 50% vans and trucks were lined up for at LEAST 10 blocks...I was still confused...

I could have just slapped what they call THE SHIT out of myself when I arrived at work (at 8:30 a.m., but what the fuck ever!) and found out what was going on...GAS WAS REALLY FUCKING "$(blank white spot).99" PER GALLON for the first 250 customers and my dumb ass was #1 in line on the one side---and kept going!!!!!!

Piss. Piss. PISSTIVITY!

Calgon...Take Me Away!

It's the "end of the year" for us at work, so there are many contracts to be written, policies to be made, and schmoozing to do for more money during this drought season. I am just tired, tired, tired.

My sons got in the car the other day and had a VERY interesting convo...it went a little something like this:

Me: It's looks like you boys are getting along with the kids very well at Summer Program!

W: (Under his breath) Yeah, the girls!

D: (Realizing that I hear W and looking at him with the look of, DAMN you're a snitch!) And the boys too, Mom!

W: For real, I got like 7 girls that like me Mom!

D: (After a long pause and seeing my grin in the rear-view mirror---total affirmation it was okay to continue this conversation) Well there's a 15 year-old girl who likes me!

Me: D how do you know, and why would a 15 year-old girl be interested in an 8 year old?

D: I don't know, maybe it's my personality...perhaps it's my style...Mom, she just digs me!

I was speechless...utterly speechless.

I had to pay roughly $240 today to renew my tags...and gas here is $4.29/gallon. No further explanation needed on how I feel about that.

I went grocery shopping yesterday and realized the ridiculous markup on food! I may be forced to live off of bologna and cereal for a while!

My bedroom TV is on the blink.

Things are going pretty well with Wal-Mart Guy...wait, did I tell you guys about him? Hmmm...guess not...great idea for my next post!

W is starting Middle School next year and aside from the fact that I will be paying out of the wazoo to buy uniforms, I am NOT mentally and emotionally ready for this!

I have not produced one, single thing at work today except this blog post.

Did I mention that gas is $4.29/gallon?

*Sigh*

Woe is me.

I'm In Love-Part 2...The Reveal

Now that everything has been perused and pondered, all the ado is done, and 69 comments have been posted, I thought it high time to share with you who the said Blog Crush is. I mean I haven't been reading his stuff for very long, but the time that I have been seems like an eternity. You just never know what to expect when you go to his place. And aside from the great anecdotes, the smut, and the "high" times, he also keeps it all the way real...Damn it, 100%.

And do you want to know, my friends, how he put the icing on the cake? He stood up for me and was ready to put a Mofo, that found me through his blog, on BLAST for disrespecting me. The guy e-mailed me thinking that I was the skinny, bustaceous broad on the cell phone depicted on my avatar and was disappointed when he found out I was a thick, voluptuous, CORNBREAD-FED sista from around the way! I told the Good Doctor not to bother, but I rested assured that this "folk" had my back.

So with that being said, Torrance Stephens, Raw Dawg Buffalo, you are, beyond the shadow of a doubt, undeniably, almost inexplicably, and unequivocally, my Blog Crush. That's you my friend.

And there you have it "folk...the truth, uncut funk, DA BOMB!"

I'm In Love-Part I

Okay, Nina brought it up, so...I dare to go there. The topic you ask? Blog crushes. I know that many times before, we've toyed with this, and had a few cute-sy ones of our own, but what I'm speaking of here my friends is something a little deeper...

Each day we visit our blogs, those of you who are like me, we go up and down our Blog roll and read the latest post by our wonderful friends. We also check out any new Bloggers who may stumble upon our paths in comments. Well, one day I stumbled upon...correction, actually, I think he stumbled upon me, and the moment I clicked that link, I was hooked. Literally.

This man is someone to be admired. He is the epitome of greatness in/through his writing. His words quite often jump right off the screen and move me in ways unknown to mankind. To him, it seems as though the world is crazy, life is real, and time is of the essence. The more I read, the more I'm drawn to him. His writing has taken my imagination down the road less traveled. He has style, grace, and a certain charm about him...he's mysterious, he's untamed...he's all that and a bag of fucking Lay's potato chips...I'm telling you Nance!

So when I confessed "my love" to Nina one day, before she alluded to it in her blog, she decided to check him out, and was quite impressed with him. She completely understood my overactive hormones, and my impetuous fervor with each and every mention of his name...I am in Blog Love!

In comments...how do you feel about Blog crushes? Is this a naughty little thing for us to do and/a sly little way for us to "cheat?" How about a stab at who my crush is?

While I'm Still Drafting The More Serious Stuff...

Now THIS my friends is TRULY Ghetto Fabois!!!!

On The Bandwagon...

Everyone is doing this, and I am quite intrigued by how they are turning out, so I decided to give it a whirl!!!

If you'd like to do one, too, here's how:

1. Using the questions below, type your answer to each of the questions one at a time into Flickr Search.

2. Using the result, select an image from the first page.

3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker. Choose the 4 x 3 or 3 x 4 option. There are 12 questions, so you’ll need 12 images.

4. Save your mosaic and upload it to your post. Or print it out and mail it to Grandma. She’ll think you painted it yourself and she’ll invite her friends over to make them jealous.The questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. The name of your high school?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Favorite drink?

7. Dream vacation?

8. Favorite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. One word to describe you?

12. Your flickr name?

In comments: I'm sure you can guess the less difficult ones such as my name and my favorite food/dessert...how about a few guesses at the others?!

Alas...

It's Official!

This morning at 8:40 and 59 seconds, it was my very last moment and second in time in my twenties!!! Hmmm, how bad can it be? A couple people told me that I should now officially stop counting and claim and profess to be 25 for at least 5 more years. There are others who tell me that I should embrace it and embark upon my new decade with my head held high. I don't know yet...I guess you can ask me after free drinks for ladies tonight from 9-11 p.m....I am so there!!!

In comments...did/will your 30th birthday depress you?

It's My Party...She Can Strip If She Wants To!

Okay my friends...I sat on this for a couple of days, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not, but against my better judgement...along with the fact that I am too far away to open up a can-0-whoop ass, I MUST scream on my blog.

We all have that "one" in the family that's just not right...be it that drunk uncle, that conniving aunt, or that "special" cousin that swears his plaid pants matches his polka dot sweater and fluorescent tie. You just accept them because that's who they are, and don't mind putting up the liquor, hiding your purse, or pretending you're blind.

But there is a certain one in my family that I'm not quite sure we have in common. She is not a CLOSE cousin, but a me and her father would share a last name hadn't my great-grandmother married type of cousin. I love her to death and have often times over the years hung out with her. Now, don't get me wrong, she has a HUGE heart and would do anything for you, and is quite fun to be around...we just lead 2 separate lives. We are a few years apart, but she had 2 daughters before I graduated...you know, that kind of stuff. She is also a hustler...hated by many, but I say hey, get down how you live, because her children STAY fly...the crib is SO crispy, and the ride stay kitted. She's my homie...my ace.

I'm a little upset with her right now however I won't express it to her due to the fact that it would be totally futile...I am going to just get it off my chest on my blog...in my space...where I can say whatever the hell I want!

Her son, her 3rd oldest child, just recently turned 13...it's all good right? Right on the threshold of manhood and so close to going to high school...13 is the first "teen" year...the SHIT! Bring on the cake and ice cream right??? Wrong! Not only did she have his party in a bar, she hired a stripper!!!! Several things about this have me livid, but I will only mention a few...um why are parents allowing their 11, 12, and 13 year olds to go to a bar? Why does he have to have a party that lasts until midnight? Why didn't that bitch realize she could get 15-Life grinding on those youngins who half of which don't even have pubic hair yet??? Is there any particular reason she couldn't just buy a PSP and some fucking collection baseball cards and call it a day?

I am furious...I could go on and on, but you guys go ahead...HAVE AT IT!

Throwing in the Towel

I may have said this before, but guess what? Damn it, I don't care! This time I really mean it, and I'm PISSED---to the 10th degree of pisstivity!!! I am sick. And. Tired. Of. Men! How about I spell it out for you in chronological order...

We have Old Faithful-I've known him for nearly 3 years. He likes to take random trips to Italy and call me from strange, 15 digit numbers at odd hours of the night...I guess as a subtle way to "check up on me" while he's away. Now don't get me wrong, he can handle his business, and it doesn't matter if 2 days or 6 months go by, all I have to do is dial, and he is there within a matter of moments! So you ask, "Tera, you silly girl, what's the problem?" Well, I think...or should I say THOUGHT I wanted a little more, and he's just not...boyfriend material.

Next we have Office Fling Number 1 (not the IT Guy---and get your minds out of the gutter...he's from the LAST office I worked at!)-He has a girlfriend, but I said to hell with Karma and all that shit because I had just learned about my (ex) friend of more than a decade and ex-man at that time. That shit was off the hook, and we even spent a little time together! He was ever so easy on the eyes too! He to this day cannot understand why I cut him off completely, but the shit got a little old, and slowly, I began to regain feeling in those areas which were numb and had to focus! He still calls, and I simply ask...damn! She STILL ain't doing it right for you?!

Last year's fling with the big Ding...Dong that is-Things were going pretty smooth with this guy. In spite of my better judgement, and all things considered, you know, like he didn't have a job, he was an ex-offender, and his daughter's mother had detachment issues, I still let him come around. One thing that helped him TREMENDOUSLY was that he had a wonderfully sized schlong and knew how to FULLY satisfy me. He slipped up and met the kids...HUGE fucking mistake, because after a while, things tapered off and I didn't see much of him---except at church...and even though we "met at the wrong time," he now has a girlfriend! Fuck, fuck, FUCK him!!!

Then we have Office Fling Number 2 (this time it's the IT Guy...you know, the one from the dream?)-This guys LOVES to flirt and do stupid shit like cop a feel, lock me in the office and freak me, or trap me in the elevator and lick and touch and kiss and shit, or send me sexually explicit messages. I don't see much really happening with him though, because he's just a tad bit...imma...well...less mature for my taste, he's a little younger, and is still living in the world where he thinks he's the shit! In my mind (and other than the dream), I don't think he can handle a woman like me, and there's not really a part of me that wants to find out.

Lastly, we have the Guy from the Bar-I am always leery about meeting guys in bars/clubs to begin with. And I haven't mentioned him to you guys because I thought maybe...just MAYBE this time there might be sparks, and I didn't want to jinx it! After a little over a month, he has totally fucking DERAILED! My honest opinion is that he has a drinking problem! And drunken phone calls are only fun if I'm in the mood, and it's not past 4:00 a.m. on a fucking work night! He "blames" his drinking on the fact that he just got laid off, but who in the hell needs a reason to drink! You must know your limits...especially if you're a grown ass man! I mean we ALL get shit faced from time to time, but I've got shit to do today! Note: I don't want this seem like I put more weight of "physical activity" than anything else, so I won't mention at all that I've "meddled" around and touched little bit "down there" and don't think I can back that thang up on him either...can we say Millimeter Peter boys and girls?!

So that's it! I'm tired of this crap...in 3 years, NOTHING! And yes, I am a little more selective now when considering someone I can potentially settle down with, because I don't want to make the same mistakes I have in the past with certain, unnamed LOSERS! What do I do?! Because if something doesn't change my mind quickly, that's it! I'm finished!

Damn, Tera, that was a long ass post...oh well, I have confidence that you guys who have my best interest at heart will fully read it and give me (un)/sound advice :)

Take A Whiff!

Well friends...it seems that just when you think that all is lost, and you have absolutely NOTHING to blog about, it hits you (pun intended). I would like to share with you today my story about this little phenomenon called..........BODY ODOR.

Occasionally, I sit at my desk and work my ass off (yes NoR, I do other things-my ass off than laughing :) until 5:00 creeps up on me. Then there are other days where my level of productivity plummets to zero by 10:00 a.m., and I do "other" things, you know, like check my pages out there in Internet land, talk on the phone with my friends back home, chat on-line, and oh yes, blog. Well this day in particular, I began to doze off for reasons unknown---I'm sure that it totally had nothing to do with the fact that the Pinot Grigio was extra spectacular the night before and I couldn't stop drinking it until it was gone! But I digress. I felt like it would be awful for my boss to walk by during a deep slumber, so I decided to take a walk...you know, catch some air...

As I am walking around to the elevator, the "Temp" is approaching me...she's all smiles, and so am I until it is turned upside down and I begin dry heaving hysterically! She smelled like a cross between...or should I say among (for those of you nerds out there who will notice that this list consists of more than 2 things) dirty hair; moldy clothes; ass crack; and old hot dog water. It was utterly disgusting! Especially for a middle aged woman who had done nothing but sat behind her desk all morning!

Now I gave her the benefit of the doubt...it was only her second day...perhaps she perspires profusely or doesn't hold cleanliness on high as many of us do. Lo and behold, the next day, she walked down the hall near my office and not only did she emit a whiff-o-funk, but it lingered...and lingered.

Now I ask you...what would YOU do/say? Such a terrible thing this is...I mean I haven't smelled her lately, then again, I'm not sure that I've been within 10 feet (radius) of her in the past few days either. But isn't it our civic duty to do something when people...offend?

BitterSweet

I have mixed emotions about this, because although I don't really feel up to a meme (my sincere gratitude goes out to Torrance), I have haven't posted in almost a week, and NoR has the tendency to open the famous can-o-Whoop Ass when that much time has lapsed. So, with that being said...

Here are the rules:1. link the person who tagged you.2. mention the rules in your blog…3. tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours4. tag 6 following bloggers by linking them. leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

1. I played the violin for 5 years and quit because the "B" I was earning was screwing with my 4.0 GPA.

2. I was born with an umbilical hernia and 6 fingers on each hand; my oldest son with 6 fingers on each hand and 2 additional "nipular objects (It just doesn't seem right saying a boy has nipples---what is the medical term anyone of you nerds out there???)," and my younger son with 6 fingers on each hand...and that damned umbilical hernia!

3. I wear a size 11 shoe.

4. I visited the zoo for the first time at the age of 18.

5. I have owned a total of 7 cars in my 13 1/2 years of driving.

6. When I was around 8 years old, I coerced my cousins into smoking cigarettes and making a pretend "joint" by rolling the ashes and tobacco up in paper. We ignited the carpet in my Grandmother's friend's condo, doused the fire with Kool-Aid (red), and dragged her deaf, sleeping son over and placed the lighter in his hand.

NoR, Heather, Susan, Gyuss, MrT, and Qinges...you're it!