Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A Large Order of Crack Cream With a Side of Pumice, Please?!

I knew it! I just knew it! That I could not cruise merrily through the entire summer without witnessing a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Just out of nowhere, you're walking down the street, or driving along observing those who walk to and fro, or standing in line at the checkout counter and lo and behold...crispety, crunchety, crusty ass dilapidated...FEET!

What is so difficult about getting a pedi? I mean if you're like me and a few select others and can't afford them on a regular basis, save a few dollars and get the shit to do them yourself at home!!! Don't ever walk around looking so fresh and so clean...and then jacked up about the feet! What is wrong with people?

I mean I try to do a pedi at least once per week...I'm a big girl, so I have to keep the body greased up...you know what I'm saying?! When I get out of the shower, I immediately grab the baby oil gel and lather my dogs up! It just amazes me that some people don't give their bodies the same tender loving care.

Last summer my friend and her family stopped through on the way to Georgia. I generally request that my guests take their shoes off because I have "cream" colored carpet. Do you know I had to tell her to ask her aunt to put her shoes back ON for fear she'd leave drippings of crusty dead skin and dirty skid marks on the floor?!?!?! Feet like that...amost inconceivable!

So I implore you blog land...if you know someone who is guilty of this crime, please do your part and make a friendly suggestion. Hell add some Gold Bond to their Christmas stockings this year...do something! I believe it is our responsibility as American citizens to let these culprits know that we are tired of not being able to tell where their heels end and the shoe begins!!!

64 comments:

EsLocura said...

eeewww that is on my list of gross things. be good to your feet, and they will be good to you, or something like that.

Tera said...

Es~Great to have you back!!! :-) And I agree!

Susan said...

I'm glad you told quickly what that picture was of. I was sitting here going "WHAT IN THE F....." and leaning extremely close to my screen to try to figure it out.

This past weekend I was at my grandmother's house. She has...starts with an s and it's a skin disease. Anyway, it's just in her hands and feet. She will sit down with a razor and like just cut away at her feet while I'm there. I hate feet in general so this grosses me out. Anyway, someone who was slight drunk (coughmecough) put a baggy of chips on the table by her chair...then forgot she'd put them there...then looked at the table and thought it was a big baggy of foot cut off (or "skin chips" as my brother later made fun of me) and all but screamed.

Yeah, I'm that smooth.

dmarks said...

Lovely post. Just lovely. But I did add your blog to my blog roll.

Tera said...

Susan~Grossness! OMG that is total hurlage! LMAO @ screaming at the baggie of chips!!!

Susan said...

Laugh now, Tera, but I was traumatized!

Tera said...

Dmarks~Why, thank you! :-)

Tera said...

Susan~I'm sure you were...I CERTAINLY would have been!

M. Robert Turnage said...

I am anxiously looking forward to your next blog post on bunions.

Tera said...

MrT~Not a chance! LOL! And don't get a spanking...you've been late on your commenting lately! Wait less, hover more!

NoRegrets said...

TERA, if you had gone to HIS blog you would know he's working hard this week. (speaks the hovering one).

Anyway, like Susan, I peered at the photo, almost afraid to find out what I was looking at. Hot dogs?
anyway, are those YOUR feet? I guess not since you just explained what to do about such feet.

And Susan, thank you, I will never eat from a small bag of chips again. BARF! But so funny.

Ok, I'm going to put lotion on my heels.

Tera said...

NoR~You're just all over the place! I love it! And yes...grease them up! Remember ASHINESS IS THE ENEMY!

Susan said...

Imagine how I felt, nor! I'm not sure when I'll be able to drink concord koolaid after that either...and that makes me sad.

NoRegrets said...

Tera, thanks a very fucking lot. I went over to Torrence's blog, and now I can't sit still. damnation.

Tera said...

Susan~Call me dumb, but concord koolaid? I am a koolaid connoiseur, and have never heard of it!

Tera said...

NoR~Your entire comment made me laugh so much my boobs jiggled..."damnation," LMFAO!!! I just needed everyone else to feel my pain!

NoRegrets said...

read teh comment I left him...

Susan said...

We need to use the word "damnation" more often.

Concord Koolaid:

Ingredients:
1 liter bottle of Mountain Dew (regular or diet)
1 package of grape koolaid (or blue raspberry)
1 bottle of vodka

Pour out mountain dew to just below the top of the label (about 16 oz). Slowly pour packet of koolaid into bottle of dew. Caution: If you pour it in too fast, it will fizz over. Once the packet is in, add vodka to level of where unopened bottle of dew was. Shake. (don't worry about carbonation--the koolaid kills it) Fill glass with ice, pour koolaid over ice, drink and enjoy.

It WILL mess you up so use caution.


Take 1 bottle of diet (or regular) mountain dew.

Susan said...

Ignore that last line. I was trying to make sense of something I normally do drunk ;)

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tera said...

NoR~I did! "The" one you left him too!

Susan~I agree, and we don't even need to discuss it futher...motion carries!

You may have just given me the recipe for my nightcap!!! Gracias!

Tera said...

Uh don't worry...no more alcohol involved in the last line...it will be totally ignored!

Tera said...

Have you guys noticed how my comments always digress so far from the post topic??? And Susan pardon the delayed reaction, but how dare you even think for a second about hotdogs while looking at that photo?!? Dry heavage!!!!

There goes the idea of beans and weenies for a quick meal today!

Susan said...

Woman, it was nor that was thinking about hot dogs. I thought it was old men shaved balls.

Tera said...

Susan~YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME TODAY! Cyber was talking about sucking balls, and you're talking about shaved ones! LMAO!

Susan said...

Well, if they were shaved it'd have to be easier to suck balls. General observation--experience not talking.

Tera said...

Susan~Suuuure!

mr. schprock said...

I'm a reader of Scott's blog who sees your avatar from time to time and can't resist the urge to click it. I'm sure no explanation is needed.

I have never considered the sightliness of my feet before, but I'm pretty sure they look okay. What disturbs me are ugly toes. Some people can't get away with wearing sandals and they ought to know it. Toes that are too long and misshapen with toenails like spoiled Fritos corn chips are an abomination of nature and should be kept under wraps at all times.

Susan said...

"toenails like spoiled Fritos corn chips"

I just threw up a little.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

pumice
and epsome salt lol

Tera said...

Mr. Schprock~Welcome!!!! :-) That is so, so true...you are too funny!

Susan~Yeah, that was a tough one for me to swallow too, but oh so funny!

Torrance~Ahhh good old Epsom Salt...the cureall!

NoRegrets said...

Susan, in your mouth?
YUCK!
And imagine trying to cut those nails.
YUCKY!

OK, time for my mid-afternoon snack.

Tera said...

NoR~What's in her mouth the balls? Imagine trying to shave THOSE? Ohhhhhhhh wait...you were talking about the puke...sorry.

I think I'll forego my mid-afternoon snack. Oh, looks like I already did!

Hmmm...is the past tense of forego forewent???

Tha BossMack TopSoil said...

I feel you babygurl, Bad feet is bad.

Tera said...

Bossmiggity~The awfullest!

heather said...

can't forget frodo toes.

the good thing about reading this?
i'm no longer hungry.
doubt i will be tomorrow either.

Tera said...

Heather~LMAO @ Frodo toes!!!

I think you are with the rest of the clan on the loss of appetite thing! Sorry, but I had to vent!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Here's a way to make money off of this blog post.

Tera's Crusty Feet Diet!

When ever someone starts craving those between meal snacks or the 3pm Snickers bar, simply email them a picture of crusty feet with Frito toenails along with a nice little text description of how the rough texture of those feet bottoms will probably be just like those potato chips you are craving.

People pay for the service and hit your blog post as if it is a panic button whenever they feel weak.

Millions in the bank.

Tera said...

MrT~You know, you're quite innovative---does that mean you want a cut?!

And I'm sure Susan would appreciate you not putting crusty feet and potatoe chips in the same paragraph...she is scarred for life!

Nance said...

Blargh. Feet are just ickky. I hate summertime when I'm forced to look at them or worse, LISTEN TO PEOPLE IN FLIP-FLOPS DRAG THEM ON THE GROUND WHEN THEY WALK.

STOP SHUFFLING LIKE NURSING-HOME INMATES, PEOPLE. It's called "walking". Look into it.

Tera said...

Nance~Nursing Home INMATES??? Nance you know you really crack me up!

"Blargh..." I must use this at least 3 times over the course of the next couple of days.

Churlita said...

I do almost everything I can not to look at anyone's feet. In my world, everyone has perfect feet, including me. I'm happily delusional.

NoRegrets said...

I'm telling on MRT! He read Torrance's post, likely because of you and just blew my mind on my blog.

Bobby said...

smells like...
...corn chips

M. Robert Turnage said...

I started subscribing to the Torrent of Torrence shortly after the blog crush was revealed.

Ain't nothin' to be ashamed about. He's nine kinds of awesome.

Tera said...

Churlita~Well there's nothing wrong with that...*In the Grey Poupon voice* carry on then, carry on.

Bobby~Welcome! Pewwwww!

MrT~Love the alliteration! And you could not be more correct about the awesomeness!

I am off to see what you donned NoR's blog with!

M. Robert Turnage said...

She was surprised that I made a joke about a guy reading Torrence's infamous blog post about the wonderful world of mouthlings and decided to take it up a notch by exploring the exciting world of buttmunching.

Just because I have that halo over my head doesn't mean I'm all that innocent.

NoRegrets said...

What's funny MRT is that I didn't think that post could be taken to another level.

And I've started reading Torrance too...

I thought that was a sock puppet, not a halo.

NoRegrets said...

Tera, tagged. easy one.

Belle - A Beauty livin with her Beast said...

this post made me throw up in my mouth a little bit, because this is a pet peeve of mine to. especially when people let it go for so long it starts to turn yellow.

I will make it my duty this summer to help stop the spread of nasty cracked feet.

Tera said...

MrT~I have yet to see said halo. You said buttmunching.

NoR~EVERYONE should read Torrance!!

NoR~Damnation!

Belle~SHE'S ALIVE!!!

Both you and Susan threw up in your mouths (a little bit) on that one!

Yellow??? Ewwww!

NoRegrets said...

Tera, I see no post about WalMart guy.

Tera said...

NoR~Hold your horses!

NoRegrets said...

I have no horses! I'm scared of horses! I don't want to hold them!

NoRegrets said...

And now I'm on a sugar high and definitely can't wait.

Tera said...

NoR~Knock it off...it's not happening today...it will have to be on a day that I'm actually happy with said Wal-Mart Guy.

Are you really scared of horses...now I don't feel so silly about being scared of frogs! Did I really announce that publicly? Damn! Ooooh...maybe I can blog about that too!

NoRegrets said...

Aw, did you just slap me?

Yes, I can be around them sort of, but not ride them. I tried 3 times.

Tera said...

NoR~Uh, no?

I can't even be around the slippery, slimy, repulsive, ever-so-disgusting creatures! I begin to hyperventialate and nearly break out in hives! I almost failed my 7th grade dissection lab!!!

Nina said...

The PedEgg work wonders...if it can make my husbands feet look normal again, it can work for anyone!

Tera said...

Nina~I wondered about that! GREAT!

JR's Thumbprints said...

That's what socks are for.

Anali said...

I just polished my toes this am and I'm the Queen of Lotion. I have a bottle in just about every room and in each pocketbook. I'm trying to do my part! ; )

NoRegrets said...

I only just last night saw an infomercial about the pediegg. Wondered if it worked.

Alan said...

Now you know this is my favorite subject to hate on, right? What about the 6'5" guy on the subway who simply HAS to cross his legs and extend his flip-flopped feet across the aisle so that not only do you HAVE to see them, but you have to do a frikkin' sideways mambo to get around them? What the HELL is he doing?!

I've toyed with the idea of taking pictures of all these unashamed flip-floppers and put their nasty-ass pups on blog blast. Why should I have to suffer alone? Maybe I can start a trend and force people to think twice before they go slooping out of the house all hella irresponsible and manically unself-conscious about the shoddy state of repair of these Ugly. Ass. FEET.

But you know what else I discovered this year? I actually appreciate a well cared-for pair of bare feet. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY!!!! I've always, ALWAYS hated feet!!

Wait--not women's feet. I like women's feet. They seem correct on the ends of women's sultry legs. It's been MEN'S feet that drive me bonkers. But now? If they're taken care of? Clear nails, good proportion, not all crunched and botched, discolored, or have those stumpy little minus-sign toenails? I can actually stand them. Look at them, even.

But if they accidentally touch me (yes, I'm talking to YOU, Mr. Subway Stretcher) I'm going to knock the dude out cold.

Not kidding.