Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It's My Party...She Can Strip If She Wants To!

Okay my friends...I sat on this for a couple of days, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not, but against my better judgement...along with the fact that I am too far away to open up a can-0-whoop ass, I MUST scream on my blog.

We all have that "one" in the family that's just not it that drunk uncle, that conniving aunt, or that "special" cousin that swears his plaid pants matches his polka dot sweater and fluorescent tie. You just accept them because that's who they are, and don't mind putting up the liquor, hiding your purse, or pretending you're blind.

But there is a certain one in my family that I'm not quite sure we have in common. She is not a CLOSE cousin, but a me and her father would share a last name hadn't my great-grandmother married type of cousin. I love her to death and have often times over the years hung out with her. Now, don't get me wrong, she has a HUGE heart and would do anything for you, and is quite fun to be around...we just lead 2 separate lives. We are a few years apart, but she had 2 daughters before I know, that kind of stuff. She is also a hustler...hated by many, but I say hey, get down how you live, because her children STAY fly...the crib is SO crispy, and the ride stay kitted. She's my ace.

I'm a little upset with her right now however I won't express it to her due to the fact that it would be totally futile...I am going to just get it off my chest on my my space...where I can say whatever the hell I want!

Her son, her 3rd oldest child, just recently turned's all good right? Right on the threshold of manhood and so close to going to high school...13 is the first "teen" year...the SHIT! Bring on the cake and ice cream right??? Wrong! Not only did she have his party in a bar, she hired a stripper!!!! Several things about this have me livid, but I will only mention a why are parents allowing their 11, 12, and 13 year olds to go to a bar? Why does he have to have a party that lasts until midnight? Why didn't that bitch realize she could get 15-Life grinding on those youngins who half of which don't even have pubic hair yet??? Is there any particular reason she couldn't just buy a PSP and some fucking collection baseball cards and call it a day?

I am furious...I could go on and on, but you guys go ahead...HAVE AT IT!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Throwing in the Towel

I may have said this before, but guess what? Damn it, I don't care! This time I really mean it, and I'm PISSED---to the 10th degree of pisstivity!!! I am sick. And. Tired. Of. Men! How about I spell it out for you in chronological order...

We have Old Faithful-I've known him for nearly 3 years. He likes to take random trips to Italy and call me from strange, 15 digit numbers at odd hours of the night...I guess as a subtle way to "check up on me" while he's away. Now don't get me wrong, he can handle his business, and it doesn't matter if 2 days or 6 months go by, all I have to do is dial, and he is there within a matter of moments! So you ask, "Tera, you silly girl, what's the problem?" Well, I think...or should I say THOUGHT I wanted a little more, and he's just not...boyfriend material.

Next we have Office Fling Number 1 (not the IT Guy---and get your minds out of the gutter...he's from the LAST office I worked at!)-He has a girlfriend, but I said to hell with Karma and all that shit because I had just learned about my (ex) friend of more than a decade and ex-man at that time. That shit was off the hook, and we even spent a little time together! He was ever so easy on the eyes too! He to this day cannot understand why I cut him off completely, but the shit got a little old, and slowly, I began to regain feeling in those areas which were numb and had to focus! He still calls, and I simply ask...damn! She STILL ain't doing it right for you?!

Last year's fling with the big Ding...Dong that is-Things were going pretty smooth with this guy. In spite of my better judgement, and all things considered, you know, like he didn't have a job, he was an ex-offender, and his daughter's mother had detachment issues, I still let him come around. One thing that helped him TREMENDOUSLY was that he had a wonderfully sized schlong and knew how to FULLY satisfy me. He slipped up and met the kids...HUGE fucking mistake, because after a while, things tapered off and I didn't see much of him---except at church...and even though we "met at the wrong time," he now has a girlfriend! Fuck, fuck, FUCK him!!!

Then we have Office Fling Number 2 (this time it's the IT know, the one from the dream?)-This guys LOVES to flirt and do stupid shit like cop a feel, lock me in the office and freak me, or trap me in the elevator and lick and touch and kiss and shit, or send me sexually explicit messages. I don't see much really happening with him though, because he's just a tad bit...imma...well...less mature for my taste, he's a little younger, and is still living in the world where he thinks he's the shit! In my mind (and other than the dream), I don't think he can handle a woman like me, and there's not really a part of me that wants to find out.

Lastly, we have the Guy from the Bar-I am always leery about meeting guys in bars/clubs to begin with. And I haven't mentioned him to you guys because I thought maybe...just MAYBE this time there might be sparks, and I didn't want to jinx it! After a little over a month, he has totally fucking DERAILED! My honest opinion is that he has a drinking problem! And drunken phone calls are only fun if I'm in the mood, and it's not past 4:00 a.m. on a fucking work night! He "blames" his drinking on the fact that he just got laid off, but who in the hell needs a reason to drink! You must know your limits...especially if you're a grown ass man! I mean we ALL get shit faced from time to time, but I've got shit to do today! Note: I don't want this seem like I put more weight of "physical activity" than anything else, so I won't mention at all that I've "meddled" around and touched little bit "down there" and don't think I can back that thang up on him either...can we say Millimeter Peter boys and girls?!

So that's it! I'm tired of this 3 years, NOTHING! And yes, I am a little more selective now when considering someone I can potentially settle down with, because I don't want to make the same mistakes I have in the past with certain, unnamed LOSERS! What do I do?! Because if something doesn't change my mind quickly, that's it! I'm finished!

Damn, Tera, that was a long ass post...oh well, I have confidence that you guys who have my best interest at heart will fully read it and give me (un)/sound advice :)

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Take A Whiff!

Well seems that just when you think that all is lost, and you have absolutely NOTHING to blog about, it hits you (pun intended). I would like to share with you today my story about this little phenomenon called..........BODY ODOR.

Occasionally, I sit at my desk and work my ass off (yes NoR, I do other things-my ass off than laughing :) until 5:00 creeps up on me. Then there are other days where my level of productivity plummets to zero by 10:00 a.m., and I do "other" things, you know, like check my pages out there in Internet land, talk on the phone with my friends back home, chat on-line, and oh yes, blog. Well this day in particular, I began to doze off for reasons unknown---I'm sure that it totally had nothing to do with the fact that the Pinot Grigio was extra spectacular the night before and I couldn't stop drinking it until it was gone! But I digress. I felt like it would be awful for my boss to walk by during a deep slumber, so I decided to take a know, catch some air...

As I am walking around to the elevator, the "Temp" is approaching me...she's all smiles, and so am I until it is turned upside down and I begin dry heaving hysterically! She smelled like a cross between...or should I say among (for those of you nerds out there who will notice that this list consists of more than 2 things) dirty hair; moldy clothes; ass crack; and old hot dog water. It was utterly disgusting! Especially for a middle aged woman who had done nothing but sat behind her desk all morning!

Now I gave her the benefit of the was only her second day...perhaps she perspires profusely or doesn't hold cleanliness on high as many of us do. Lo and behold, the next day, she walked down the hall near my office and not only did she emit a whiff-o-funk, but it lingered...and lingered.

Now I ask you...what would YOU do/say? Such a terrible thing this is...I mean I haven't smelled her lately, then again, I'm not sure that I've been within 10 feet (radius) of her in the past few days either. But isn't it our civic duty to do something when people...offend?