Blog Post of a Mad Fat Woman

Diet pills, Tae-Bo, Curves, I've tried it all...and even was successful years ago when I lost nearly 40 pounds! Unfortunately, I gained it back (and then some) when I was diagnosed with Asthma 6 years ago, and those bastard doctors put me on steroids! Given the fact that I am (for the most part) very health conscious, and not to mention, am a borderline hypochondriac, I visit the doctor regularly and know that although I am overweight, I am fairly healthy.

This has been an emotional roller coaster in my world, and my esteem has occasionally plummeted to all-time lows. The funny thing is that men tend to like my hips and the fact that I am...well let's say...bootylicious. And the further south I go, it is apparent that men also appreciate a woman who is "cornbread (pronounced CONEbred) fed."

Okay so now to my point (and this post will be 2-pronged)...first off, I know that I don't need a man to define me. I also know that as long as I am happy with myself it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...so how does one get to that point?

Can one EVER get to that point when society says we should all be thin? How about the fact that you rarely see a "heavy-set" individual glorified on cosmetic commercials and/in magazines? I don't see any "big-boned" men or women as media anchors or as talk show hosts (other than of course Oprah and Ricki Lake--who struggled with their weight). It BURNS ME UP to go to plus stores...not to name any names...but Ashley Stewart and Lane Bryant and see size 8 mannequins hoisted for advertisement of their fashions...um, excuse me, how in the hell am I supposed to have an "accurate" idea of how the shit will look on me?

And do you want to know the straw that breaks the camel's back...the stupid as fuck NutraSystem commercials who advertise the woman who is a size 2 so her husband is happy...and how they do these before/after shots for these bullshit diets and surgeries and "fine print" all the fucking tummy tucks and skin tucks you have to get after shedding the weight...hell, let's be real...they don't mention it at all!!!

So what I had to do so that dieting wouldn't totally consume my life and drive me crazy, and so that eating was no longer more misery than nourishment and enjoyment...I had to find a place where I had to let go. As long as I am healthy, I cannot allow myself to succumb to this pressure and go crazy with the rest of America on the weight loss tip. And no longer do I view my size as a problem or burden, because I can drop it like it's hot like the rest of them!!!

But it STILL makes me mad, because along with the aforementioned....

There is this pressure to diet and eat healthy. Okay. The economy also sucks, and the middle class has ceased to exist...so, if you're not rich, well, you get the picture. Given that...HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO AFFORD THE DIETS AND/THE HEALTHY FOOD?!?!? Comments on Anali's latest post alluded to this, and the more I concur with what the authors wrote, it really struck a nerve. How can I eat healthy when organic produce is like $50/lb. Lean meats are $75/lb. Low fat and "baked" snacks are double the price of the regular ones, and Splenda is $7/bag!!! Where is the motivation in that? "Yeah I am healthy as a horse, but I am broke as hell!"

Is this world insane?

In comments...additional topic items I may have missed; your diet cost cutting tips; other things that get you to that point of pisstivity; and why in the hell hasn't the Marketing & PR department from NutraSystem called me back yet?!

Calming Nerves and Relieving Tension

Years ago, I had a hard time releasing all the stress that had built up inside, and similarly the anxiety and tension that went along with it. The most safe, legal, and effective emotional purging I could come up with was writing.

I used to write poems.

My friend Rey is considering a blog, and I shared with her this morning that my blog has offered a level of catharsis unknown to many. And although I thoroughly enjoy the writing here, I find myself (more and more) missing the outlet my poetry provided...the chance to use metaphors that don't have to make sense to the average reader, the chance to be colorful and imaginative, and the chance to periodically refer to myself in the 3rd person without being drunk or weirding people out!

So my friends, I present to you the last poem I wrote before my days as the new Maya Angelou (okay, that may be a stretch ;) came to a screeching halt...

Who Should She Be?

She should be commended, she should be praised
She shouldn't feel so down on so many days.
She should stand by her word and try not to settle
She shouldn’t let anyone make her stoop to their level.
She should walk real proud with her head held up high
She shouldn’t be hard on herself, but she is-WHY?

She thought she was a good woman-She does all that she can
She honors, respects, and is there for her man.
She works 40 hours per week, pays the bills, and goes to school,
She cooks dinner, she cleans, and nurtures her children too.
When it comes to romance she’s as gentle as can be.
She caters to each desire and fulfills each and every need.
She loves with all her heart and gives unselfishly-
Is she wrong to hope and pray for…reciprocity?

The question remains-who should she be?
Should she go based on what others claim that they see?
She reaches for a star when it should be the galaxy,
She prays for one wish when she knows she deserves three.
Should she be who she is, or be who she should be?
She should be true to herself and have dignity.

Who should she be, who should she be?
Let us speak for a moment about the things that she needs-
Please love her and hold her and converse endlessly.
Please appreciate, admire, and respect her honesty.
Please teach her new things and nourish her mind.
Please kiss her and touch her and be not unkind.

Caress her, make love to her, make her crave your touch.
Whisper softly in her ear-write love letters and such.
Don’t make her regret your mere presence-make her glad that you’re there,
Shower her with compliments-let her know that you care.
Don’t shatter her earth-so full of hopes and dreams,
Help her begin to love herself-help her build her esteem.

Her heart hurts so bad-is her love in vain?
She knows he can’t be the cause and the cure for her pain.
She must love herself first and the rest will fall in place
She will love herself-through prayer and GOD’s grace.
To first love herself-how hard can it be?
GOD made her that way, and HE is her King.
For the third and final time-who should she be?
The woman aforementioned-is that the real me?
I ponder and ponder, but now I can see…
I could be a million other things-but I’ve decided to be me.

By Tera

In comments...should Tera (I just LOVE doing that!) resume her part-time career as a poet (of course keeping her day time job)? Other stress relievers, and who's glad that I finally had an original thought?

Lists, Lists, and MORE Lists!

Well, since lists have been somewhat a recurring theme in our circle of bloggers, and folks only dare to do the safe stuff like books, movies, songs, and food...and leave the tabu stuff alone, I decided to open the floor for you all to list your favorites (or less favorites)...so have at it!!!!

As usual, I will provide examples:

*Top 5 Wines

*Top 5 Meds (recreational and/medicinal :)

*Top 5 Quotes (Es may have leaned toward this in her last post...I just had to chuckle at a few!)

*Top 5 Pet Peeves (Q had a great post on this the other day!)

*Top 5 Actors (or a list of those who should stick to the low budget, underground and/Lifetime movies)

I think you get my point...hopefully soon, I have an idea for an original thought and/blog post.

Your lists in comments...and if anyone has an explanation for why I didn't come to work yesterday and have still not done a damn thing and it's almost 3 o'clock, feel free to enlighten me.

A Blog Post on Blogs

Eslocura's last post gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, and sparked those neurons which haven't quite been firing lately to write this post. Since reading and posting a (looooong) comment on her latest entry, random thoughts have been roaming my mind about blogging.

I just began my blog a couple of months ago, and as I commented at Es', it has given me this inexplicable freedom-liberating me from my usual world of ubiquitous analytical, and "business-like" thinking. It gave me the "okay" to make some squares round; to say up is really down; and to occasionally...okay, frequently curse without the fabricated justification that I have selective Tourettes.

So other than paying homage to those blogs that I frequent (and are conveniently listed in my side bar to the left), I figured I'd also spark some random thoughts among my friends out there in blog land...I'll start with a list of hmm's, huh's, and aha's!

1. What makes you read further? What sparks your interest when perusing blogs? Is it the pictures? The titles? The blogger?

My Thoughts...I begin each day reading Mist's blog, because aside from her being my new best friend (more than 10 minutes has lapsed since your last call by the way), that is my daily dose of humor, and I know that I am ALWAYS in for a treat and a good, hearty laugh...

2. Who do you especially like? Dislike (this may start fights---I warn you...I'm armed)? Who's more creative? Who's topics have the best range of content and/emotion?

Fringe is the awesomest! She makes me laugh, and similarly, she has brought me to tears...

3. Do you have a blog crush? Does someone have a crush on you?

Dagromm, I had a dream about you...

4. Does it bother you that you don't know what (some) bloggers look like?

I think it's great to imagine what everyone looks like! I love the little avatars, and am currently in search of one for myself (anyone in the Quad, feel free to render suggestions). And thank goodness for my good friend Nina!!! At least I know what she and Nance look like in real life, so there's evidence that at least a couple/few of you are real people...

5. Do you get mad when people frequent your blog and say nothing?

I don't care! Perhaps they're not interested in what I'm talking about, OR they are too chicken shit to say something for fear of being ridiculed and sheer rejection...

6. Do you get mad when conversations are going on in comments that you know nothing about?

Hell no, that gives me prime opportunity to make shit up on my own! The worst that could happen is that they could laugh at me and/ignore my comment...

7. Do you get mad if you have someone listed in your favorites and you're not listed in theirs?

No...that is MY preference and I may not necessarily be theirs. Admittedly, for a while, I thought that 25% of the Quad did not like me...I am not thoroughly convinced that that's not true...

8. Do you ever worry that you're not deep enough, or funny enough etc?

Nope...I write freely, sometimes with deep feeling and conviction, sometimes with my mind in the gutter, and sometimes other...

9. How do you feel when you don't get many comments?

Thanks to my good friends here, I don't have to worry much about that!!! Thank you to all of my frequenters...and new visitors alike....

10. How do you feel about long posts?

LOL! So what... (blowing raspberry)

P.S. Bastards! I can't add a picture!

In comments, answer/comment on one or two...maybe all, new questions/comments, and encouraging Tera to get her ass to work!

A Couple Hours Before Tuesday...

Heather since I haven't posted a bunny in a while, I decided to. Aren't they cute? Or wait...could that be the Quad?


Dagromm, don't worry...let me save you the trouble...

Birthday Blues

Well, all of my friends out there in blog land...the day has finally arrived. It's my birthday, and as I drove home tonight (second drunken night in a row-Yeah, even though I vowed after leaving the dentist to never alter my state of mind again, I relapsed in the Wine Shop on the "samples"), a sudden sadness hit me. It's my final year in my 20's, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and to top it off, I'm lonely. (Loooooonnnng sigh)

Oh, Susan, you will also be glad to know that alcohol was not my only relapse this weekend!

In comments...drunken stories, more birthday blues, and who needs stinkin' love anyways?!

What A Weekend!!!

I know it's been a while since I've been on fellow bloggers...and thanks for all two of the dear friends I've made since I began blogging for noticing and checking on me! :) The truth is that between the trip to Myrtle Beach (which was a mix of excitement AND a tad bit of...well you'll hear about it later) and my dental work yesterday...I was in no shape to do much of anything, but I miss you guys, so thank goodness I'm back!

Let me start from the beginning...

We geared up to leave on Thursday night. We packed everything we needed clothes, swim gear, snacks, and..."female unmentionables!" Yes I said it, female unmentionables! After all that hard work at my swimming lessons and psyching myself up to actually GET IN the ocean this time and not just stand there and look at it, my bitc* decided to pay me a visit at the most inopportune time one could imagine...

Our travel partners arrived Friday evening and we packed up the truck. Of course there are a select few items that decided to pull a random disappear act because I needed to pack them, but I did not let that foul my mood. We were off to bed for our 4:30 a.m. departure...NOT! Let's just say that for some odd reason I got sick, and the "porcelain god" had my undivided attention until at LEAST that time, and we were almost 2 hours late leaving...

The drive went fairly smoothly...other than the fact that I now have to pay about as much for a gallon of gas as I have to for a shot of rum, nothing else seemed to piss me off. Me and my friend rotated as planned, and hey, I even got a nap in when it was my turn to drive! It was gravy (except for those bastard ass mountains in TN and NC)!!!

We arrive...I don't know if I mentioned that there was 6 of us...and that we booked this room at the Hilton IN FEBRUARY through our travel agent...it was as big as the standard restroom stall (not the handicapped one...sorry to spoil the fun Mist)!!! The beds were fit for a dollhouse, and with my big ass, I nearly had to walk sideways JUST to get to the patio! I went to the desk spewing off all the amenities the website said they had, and what was in the room which I KNOW I had my travel agent book, and their simple reply was, "Oh, that was 2 years ago, we don't have that anymore...and as far as the room, we're booked" and then as I watched yet ANOTHER customer come to the desk because they were placed in the wrong room, I asked for a manager. Those of you who know me KNOW (shut up Nina)...I DON'T LIKE POOR CUSTOMER SERVICE! Let me just make a long story short(er)...after 2 hours of escalating the situation as far as I could, we ended up next door, at the Embassy, for the same price, with all the amenities we expected and MORE (I LOVE free stuff!), and a better ocean view. I will be working this morning on getting more when I call 1-800-HILTONS...

After that got settled, things went great! It was Bike Week, so we met lots of yummy looking men, ate some good food, saw some interesting sites, and had a blast at the resort!!! There was no other mishap...except my friend's son screaming for help BEFORE even entering the Ripley's Haunted Adventure, thus we looked like asses asking if we could go in the museum in its stead.

I cried most of the way home due to the built up anxiety of having to go to the dentist. I had to stop on the way to my house to get the drugs which were supposed to keep me nice and happy while they worked (Dagromm, I guess I didn't appreciate it as much as most). During well over 5 hours of drilling, cutting, stabbing, and random sprinkles of additional meds under my tongue (since said $345 pill wasn't working as well as it should have), I was free to go...I think I fell at least twice and bumped into walls that have been in my apartment since I moved here. I slept most of yesterday, and now here I am! My upper and lower jaw still can't seem to find each other...but I'm good!

So after that long post, in comments, more inopportune events, reactions to poor customer service (piggybacking one of the more recent posts at the Fringe), and tampon stories.