Thursday, July 5, 2007

More Afraid Now Than Ever

On June 6th, Fringe had a post called "Choose Your Story." I put a nutshell "My Life" story on there because I chose to write about my "Fear." I present it to you in today's post, because there is an update on it, and given my emotional state right now, I decided to actively include you all as you always have a way of giving me good advice, providing many points view, and cheering me up:

My life wasn’t cookies and cream. My mother was a crack addict off and on (on more than off) for 16 years, and my grandmother raised me for the most part. And through the stealing my money, selling things given to me, and 2-week disappear acts, I had to struggle with the fact that she still claimed and professed to love me.

She got arrested and was given an ultimatum…prison or treatment…she chose the latter. After being released, she remained sober for 2 1/2 years (and was the best grandmother ever) and I finally knew what it was like to have a HEALTHY relationship with my mother…until she met my younger sister’s dad, who for the sake of saying his name, I will call him the Devil…she relapsed.

Both of my sisters (we were born at 11-year increments) were born with problems due to her addiction. By the time she was 9 months pregnant with Angel, she opted for sobriety again. I felt for sure she’d be okay because she CHOSE to go and wasn’t MANDATED to go…she is 7 years, 4 months, and 4 days sober (7 years, 5 months and 3 days now).

Of course during the course of those years, she has been in a relationship for 4 of them with a man she met in the “Program (whom we’ve grown to love and adore).” But admittedly, I always had a fear about her dating someone who was on the wagon too, because what if their strength wasn’t equal (or his greater) in magnitude? What if she does the same thing she did when she was with the Devil?

Last week, I get a call from my mom…her significant other has relapsed after 5 years of sobriety…Fear puts it lightly.

Now for the update...

Remember my kids are home with my mom for the summer...Well, my sister informed me while they were here for the 4th of July that my mom has been allowing him to spend the night at the house when he cries and for increments of 5-10 minutes wants to be sober again. My mother is being dishonest about it, which in AA shows signs that she's weakening...

Your thoughts?

22 comments:

IaiĆ” said...

Hey, girl. My name's Gabriela, I'm a nineteen-year-old Brazilian teacher.
Your life hasn't been easy, for sure. I try to believe things can always get better. I feel sorry for your mother, but her life isn't easy either. Unfortunately, she's weaker than you and that's why she needs you to be supportive instead of judging her.
Be strong!

Regards.

PS.: My blog is written in Portuguese, but if you wanna leave a message in the comments space, I'll answer. :)

Tera said...

Iaia~Welcome to P&P!!! Thanks, and trust me, I approach this entire situation with the utmost delicacy. It's hard, but I also usually seek guidance from her sposor and others in the program before talking matters over with her.

Susan said...

I think you should intervine before it's too late. It's better to have a family member angry at you too early than mad at yourself because you're too late.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I agree with Susan. You said that you usually seek guidance from your mother's sponsor before speaking about things with her...does she know about this? I ask that because I will assume the man has a sponsor as well and perhaps you could suggest your mother follow your path and talk to his sponsor for assistance in dealing with him and not enabling him and maintaining her own strength.

Nance said...

Tera,
I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. This is a situation far beyond my experience, and I hesitate to offer advice in a matter of such enormity to your life. Please just know that I hope for the best for you and your children.

Dagromm said...

Nineteen? Dibs!

Tera, I don't know that anyone can tell you what's best for you to do in your own situation, but I'll tell you what we've done with a similar situation. We asked ourselves what was best for our kids and put them first. Everyone else had to come second, family or not.

I know you want what's best for your entire family, but it's the difference between children and adults. Adults have made the decisions to put themselves in their current situations and children have to live with those situations. I would suggest putting your children in the best possible situations for their success.

Tera said...

Susan~I am glad to hear an agreement on that...I have been intervening, and it caused a big blow up! I have no regrets however, because at least no matter what, I can say that I tried!

Woo~Oh yes, absolutely she knows that I have spoken (on a few occasions-one being today) with her sponsor...oh, and I am a step ahead of you on HIS sponsor...I called him too...I am very careful not to push her in a corner on this. I just want as many people as possible to reinforce the fact that by enabling him, she's keeping him sick.

Nance~Thank you very much :)

Tera said...

Dagromm~You couldn't be more correct, and I refuse to let my children go through any of the things that I had to go through while she was on drugs. I tailored my life in such a manner that I would provide for them all the things that I didn't have and always longed for...number one being a stable home. Thanks for the advice my friend :)

EsLocura said...

I have to agree with Dagromm (I know I can't believe it either)The kids are first, adults can make a choice about the consequences of their actions and children cannot,kids just end up having to cope with whatever is thrown their way, not fair. It's a tough love thing, sort of. I am wishing you well and sending nothing but positive vibes your way darling.

Tera said...

Es~Thanks a lot...and God knows that my boys are my pride and joy!

heather said...

damn it! i was here shortly after dags this afternoon and left a comment but apparently it didn't stick.

i agree that the kids have to be your top priority. keep in touch with both sponsers and if you have any doubts whatsoever about your mom and the boyfriend then you need to get the kids out of there. when cracks involved things can go from ok to 'what the holy hell!!' in seconds.

~not~ an easy thing to go through. my thoughts are with you.

Tera said...

Heather~Thanks a lot, and trust me, I'm on it! I know I can't keep my mom sober, but I can do everything to remind her of what she worked so hard for more than 7 years for!

Belle - A Beauty livin with her Beast said...

I went thru this with my husband not to long ago, and I say intervene asap! especially if your kids are there, you dont want them to see the things you had to see.

Tera said...

Belle~Welcome to P&P!!! It looks like my intervention is paying off...my mother and I had a loooonnng conversation last night...I shared some things with her about how my sister felt too. She said she will not miss her meeting today and her gathering with the folks in AA.

Crack is a powerful drug, but the worse thing is that love is even more powerful...I will continue to pray for her strength and ability to love him from afar.

Kofi said...

Thinking about you quite a bit... Currently in a very similar situation in my family so I'm definitely hoping this works out for you.

Anali said...

I don't really have any advice, but I'm wishing you and your family well. Take care.

Tera said...

Kofi~I'm sure you can relate then...thank you, and ditto.

Anali~Thanks :)

NoRegrets said...

I think this was the first post I ever read of yours. I hope things worked out ok...

Tera said...

Yes they did...she left him alone (he's still on drugs), but she is getting through it and is still sober :)

Susan said...

I'll be..already commented.

Tera said...

Susan~A true sign of your undying loyalty! :)

Kofi said...

I'm glad this worked out. I remember reading this the first time around and wondering...