Rules Are Made to Be Broken

So I haven't given you an anecdote on the boys lately. The latest little escapade nearly made me piss my pants, so I HAD to share!

Every 2 weeks, I take the boys for a hair cut. Since we've been going to this particular Barber Shop for a while, we typically engage in small talk with the Barbers, and they have also grown quite fond of the boys. As I've told you in past posts, the boys have their individual personalities. William (I mess up too much with the W and D shit!!!), the eldest is more cool, calm, and collected. Although he can be a little sneaky and quite manipulative at times, he is a great kid. He's very bright, extremely helpful, and very compassionate.

Damoe on the other hand is all over the place! He is commonly known as "That Little One," and usually makes quite an impression on the people that meet him. He's my little muscle man...ripped up, full guns, AND six pack at the ripe old age of...9! He's a character...loves to joke and laugh. He gets great grades, but is more into art and music and such...you know, stuff that allows him to use his energy!

Well I guess the last time we went to the Barber Shop, Damoe had too much idle time. So during commercials, he would read magazines, crack a few jokes, and ALAS! He noticed the rules on the Barber Shop Wall:

1. No Profanity

2. No Loitering

3. No Solicitation

4. Children must remain seated at all times.

5. No Smoking

A look of sheer amazement glazed over Damoe's face a he leaped from his chair. And the conversation began:

Damoe: Uhhh, why do ya'll have rules in the Barber Shop if all you are going to do is break them?

Barber #1: What do you mean? What rules do we break?

Damoe: Welll...it says, 'No Profanity...' Ya'll be cussin'!!!

Barber #1: Who cusses?

Damoe: Ahem, Barber #2 cusses, Barber #3, AND YOU!

Barber #1 (Laughing-while the owner was shaking his head in an "I told you so" manner): Man Damoe, cut that out!

Damoe: Uh, and 'No Loitering?' Man there is paper ALL OVER the ground outside! Cigarette butts and EVERYTHING!

****Long Silence before a loud thunderous roar of laughter as Barber #2 tried to explain to Damoe that he misread...of course he had yet another rebuttal for that****

Damoe (interrupting): And what is solicitation?

Barber #1: It's when people try to sell stuff.

Damoe: What?!?! Don't ya'll sell movies and CD's in here?!?!?!

I had to interject by this point...

Me: Damoe and it also says, 'Children must remain seated at all times,' now sit your behind down before you get us banned from the Barber Shop!

The customers were overwhelmed and coughing and choking because he cracked them the hell up!

As I went to buy my movies at the 4th booth, I apologized profusely.

I Was Tagged!!!

Thanks to my lovely new friend T. Michelle Theus (also referred to as "T" by me in comments), I have to post! Fuckety Fuck! Anyways (it took me 3 times to type that just now), at least this is an interesting one...and just guess who I am going to tag!

1. I am absotively, posilutely, undeniably, hopelessly, and inextricably afraid of............................FROGS! I will never forget the day I was in the back yard, and of course my son did not possess this little tidbit of knowledge and came running up to me announcing excitedly, "Mommy, look what I found!" My eyes bulged, my palms got all sweaty, my mouth felt like I had been chewing on chalk, and I immediately began to hyperventilate...It was a true brush with death! No, I don't want to frapping go on Maury for help to try to overcome my fear, and...ahem...my ass cheek is just waiting for "smootches" if you're one those who think the shit is funny.

2. I wasn't diagnosed with asthma until I turned 23.

3. I once thought I "heard" a worm "breathing" in my apple when I was a child.

4. I still live in denial but really can't successfully pronounce the word "handkerchief" if I say it normally, and struggle when I say it syllable by syllable! It sounds like haint-cha-ker or haint-ker-cher.

5. I missed 32 days of school my Senior year and STILL graduated 8th in my class (which started out with 339 students and ended up somewhere around 250).

6. Most of you who have known me for a while know this, but you new Blog Friends don't...I was born with 6 fingers on each hand. It's called Polydactily. My boys find it quite amusing when they look at their baby pictures! In fact, if I had 100 boys, they would all have it, because I believe it is a dominant trait carried on the X chromosome...go figure!

7. I'm not certain, but I'm about 91.73% sure that I could live without chocolate.

Pamela, MrT, Nina, Susan, Heather, Alan, and Churlita...guess what? YOU'RE IT!!!

Just Another Manic Monday

Pamela, learn to hold your horses, or as Nina would say, "Patience little grasshopper," I had a meeting this morning. I was going to post this Friday, but didn't quite get around to it.

Anywho...

I love this list and have found it quite amusing over the years, so if you have seen this before, hopefully, you normally practice at least 27% of this list on a regular basis. If you haven't seen it before, I implore you, do as many of these as you can (in no particular order) within the next 48 hours.

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can on Your Desk and Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

In comments...NoR, I know you've done number one before...and you probably forgot your bra that day too! How many of you want to bet money that MrT has done numbers 2, 5, 6, 9, and there is a very strong possibility of number 12 as well? I am very tempted at present to do number 4.

Say It Loud...

I remember the amazement that I could actually read by the time I turned 4.

I remember the astonishment when I was "booted" from Kindergarten and sent to the 1st grade because I was bored.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember a classmate asking why I was ashy. I remember the expressions on faces when my wet hair turned tangly.

I remember the slumber party when the makeup was too bright...I also couldn't successfully style my hair on that night.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the friend's cousin who wouldn't share my sled. God forbid my color rub off and assume his skin instead.

I remember being taunted and teased for being smart. Of course our socio-economic status set us apart.

My violin was a no-no and "white music" did I dare? When I bobbed my head to Bon Jovi all my friends did was stare.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the assimilation by association phase...my friends said I was White.

I remember being teased at a dance because I did the Running Man right.

I baffled the masses because I wore Hammer Pants...but my White friends thought I was cool...especially because I taught them to dance!

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I remember the day I began to have hips, ass and thighs too...ooh and those full lips.

I remember the day they stopped teasing me...my Black friends in High School were as proud as could be.

I remember the day I graduated in gold...a 4.134 GPA...what a story to be told.

I remember the day I was the only Black person in the top of my class...I remember my REAL friends applauding me as I passed.

I remember how being Black earned me money for school...and how that combined with academics was a valuable tool.

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I now laugh it off when Black people call me Bougie. When White people applaud me for being articulate, I let it be.

I have a perm in my hair and wear weave if I please...but, I appreciate the cocoa butter I have to put on my knees.

I love chicken and greens...how about some chitterlings too? But watermelon's not my favorite...imagine that...can you?

I remember the day I "realized" I was Black, but didn't think it mattered...as a matter of fact.

I love sharing history with my children and all my stories too. I tell them they're beautiful because you know what? It's true.

I watch movies like "Rosewood," "Glory Road," and "The Color Purple," and realize how far we have come.

Each thread of our history...be not undone.

I look at MY new president and feel a hodge podge of things...and cannot explain the joy that it brings.

Martin Luther King Jr., oh what would he say? Did you see Jesse Jackson's reaction? Would he react that way?

What would Rosa Parks say? How about good old Abraham? How about Kennedy, Ulysses and the rest of the fam?

We've come leaps and bounds but have quite a way to go. But we have our courage, love, faith, and our integrity in tow.

And to this day, you know what? I'm proud that I'm BLACK...and know that it matters...as a matter of fact.

Just A Few Little Known Facts

In the spirit of the fact that I'm sure you don't give a shit where I've been, I decided not to dump any crap on you in this post...Have fun reading!

Little Known Facts

About People
1. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.
2. 72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.
3. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
4. 90% of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.

About Laws/Government
1. By law, citizens of Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
2. It's illegal to put coins in your ears in Hawaii.
3. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
4. The U.S. Government spent about $2 million on potato research in 2003.
5. In Cleveland, Ohio, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
6. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket.

About Animals & Insects
1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
2. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
3. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
4. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
6. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
7. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
8. Reindeer like to eat bananas.
9. You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
10. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

About Sex
1. Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
2. The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
3. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.
4. Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
5. Human and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

About Stuff
1. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
2. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
3. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
4. Pearls melt in vinegar.
5. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atom bomb.
6. There is more lemon juice in Lemon Pledge furniture polish than in Country Time Lemonade.
7. The can opener was invented 48 years after the can.

In Comments: Are you a medicine cabinet culprit? Who's the idiot that set precedence on that law in Hawaii? Who was the first person to feed a banana to a reindeer? I'd like to know how anyone knows that about dolphins and humans...did they ask all other species and get an answer? Did they circulate a survey? Which geek knows what the hell that long word is and what it means...I'm sure one of you do?

Bonus question...What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

Stupid People

I don't usually post things with a severe political hue, or engage in too many conversations about politics as of late, because it makes my ass hurt. I will however make this tiny little, small little, teeny-weeny little comment...okay maybe just 2 eentsy weentsy...or perhaps 3 itty bitty things observed after watching the debates tonight...

One...Katie Couric and some other dude not important enough for me to know or care about his name were interviewing a group of "undecided" folks right after the debate to see if anyone was "swayed" more toward one side or the other after hearing the arguments. Now, I listened to what everyone had to say, but it occurred to me that...we really have a lot of people out here that use...hmmm...how do I say this... "creative" criteria for deciding who they will vote for. I also have my reservations about the Black man who was on the front row, but for the sake of argument, I will keep that to myself...that is of course unless you want to e-mail me and engage in the conversation otherwise. Anyways...

(Two) It seems that over and over people kept saying..."Obama keeps talking about if we vote for McCain that we will endure 4 more years of the same policies that have plagued us for the last 8 years, but Democrats have been in Congress for the past 2 years, and no change has occurred." Now I have never claimed and professed to be an expert on politics, and have probably been more in tune this year than I ever have in my 12 years of voting. But something about that statement bothers me...Don't these IDIOTS know better than to make a statement like that? I mean seriously...do people in America think that it will take 2 years or less to fix the fucking MESS that Dubya (I got that from someone who comments on Nance's blog and I rather like it) made of this country?!?!? What frapping rock have they been living under? I don't care what party you're affiliated with, that is ignorance at its best and is totally absurd.

(Three) It pisses me off beyond pisstivity to see Republicans mis-speak time and time again, engage in malicious attacks, and not repudiate the blasphemist comments at their gatherings without consequence. But when Obama makes one "wrong" move, or gives the slightest notion that he will in any way attack Palin or any of the other jerks on that ticket, he is painted as if he is Lucifer in the flesh.

McCain kept asking for repudiation...why didn't he repudiate Palin's claim that Obama "pows (or is it 'pals--' I guess I can't decipher her thick foreign...oops, I mean Alaskan accent) around with terrorists?" Why does McCain think that it's okay to encourage Americans to condemn Obama for some bullshit that happened when he was 8 years old? Since when did affiliation with Ayers become a "qualification" to lose an election? And what's more sad is there are some stupid ass brainwashed Americans out there who buy that CRAP!

It is amazing and utterly astonishing...embarrassing even to see what this country has come to. Is there anyone out there who is proud to say that they're an American at this very moment? I think folks in other countries sit back and laugh hysterically about how disconnected this country is and how much of a joke this so called "democracy" is.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a fair person and can give credit where credit is due...yes, I would say that McCain did a lot better tonight that he has done...I do fear however that won't be enough for him in the final stretch of his race. But above all...if he can pull this off and pull it off marginally, how well will he sleep at night knowing that the crux of his fuckton of votes will NOT be cast because he had terrific economic policy, or a fantastic view on energy, or an unprecedented view on how the education system should work, but because there has, does, and always will be....STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE in existence.

Say what you may...

Hodge Podge X

I thought for about 3 seconds about doing away with my blog...then the feeling left me. What on earth would I do without the sound minds and support of my blog friends? You see the problem is that I hit this slump a couple of months ago, and I am having a hard time trying to pull myself out of it. Needless to say, I didn't want to bore you guys with the specifics. And the worst part is...I think I am the only one who can pull myself out of this one...with the help of...well... we'll get to that in a minute.

W brought home his report card...Straight A's (4.0) and he's in Advanced Program! That is the most wonderful thing a mother can ask for and I only hope that he can continue on this path. We are still working through issues with D...his interim showed fantastic grades (98% in 2 of his classes! and nothing less than an 80% on the entire report), but I'm afraid he "needs improvement" in social behavior and work habits.

Both the boys had parties to attend this weekend, and it was at this moment in particular I realized that I really have no life! I mean why does my 11 and (now) 9 year-old have more spice in their lives than I do mine? What the heck (I am trying very hard to refrain from using the f-word so much...we shall see how long this lasts)?

I have a goal this week...to go one full day without engaging in political conversations. So for those of you who talk about these things in your blogs, do not feel bad if I don't comment on that day which is yet to be determined. Hmmm...I guess I haven't commented on blogs much lately anyways, and wait...why in the hell isn't NoR and MrT wondering where I am? I can't say that I appreciate this! You wait until I get to their spots!

OK...here we go. I usually do not go into religion and spirituality on my blog, because, well it's sometimes as controversial as other topics that people often times avoid when they're really aiming at leisurely time. Those of you who have been faithful readers and/are also friends know by now that I am a Christian. I was raised in a Baptist church...and the church that I go to now (when I go) is Baptist, so for all intensive purposes, I guess you can mesh those 2 together.

Anyways...a couple of weeks ago, I had a very DEEP conversation with a close friend of mine, and I shared some things with her about my life's current condition which I don't think I would EVER share with anyone else, and through my hysterics and endless tears, she said something to me that didn't make so much sense until today. She told me I was "broken..." and she proceeded to tell me that meant that I had pretty much hit a "bottom," and before our call was abruptly disconnected, all that came to my mind was..."Seek ye first the kingdom of God..."

Since that day all the way up until this past Friday, I received several signs telling me what I needed to do. And no matter how sublime, it was a swift kick in my shin telling me that I knew what I needed to do, so why was I so hesitant? Why was I putting it off? As we all do, I got in my selfish ways and said, "Why me? Why now?" There are many folks out there who are living lives that are less than holy, and not that I'm judging, but why am I being nudged in the shoulder so much lately? The answer came to me on Friday.

I was grabbing lunch with a co-worker at a soul food spot...you know really ready to get down on some catfish, collard greens, macaroni and cheese and corn bread when a gentleman standing there handed me a piece of paper-a personal testimonial of a man. It does not even matter the words on the paper, but all I could do is look at my co-worker and utter the words... "God moves in mysterious ways."

It was at that moment that everything had come 340 degrees for me, and I knew the other 20 would happen in church this morning...and it did. When the speaker said, "Sometimes we must be completely broken before we seek Him and change the path in which we walk in life..." I wept. And I wept....and I WEPT.

Again, I'm not trying to be "preachy" today, this is merely an attempt to share what I've been experiencing. It's apparent and obvious that it is time for some changes in my life and that I must prepare myself for a transformation. And it is with His help that I will get out of this slump.

I have to do some housekeeping...how on earth can I have room for any blessings which have been prepared and are ready for me if I don't first let go...and let GOD?

I may not get many comments on this, but you know, my heart is heavy. It is time for me to stop ignoring that which has been clear to me for a while now...I'm not sure where I go from here, but I know there are things that I need to do.

Rome wasn't built in a day, so all I ask as I go through what I'm going through is that you not judge me...stay tuned.

Those of you who cared enough to read to this point, comment away...please also include any exciting happenings from your weekend!